REPORT: Muslims Unsure How to Deal With Pokémon Go Distracting Them From Ruining Society

REPORT: Muslims Unsure How to Deal With Pokémon Go Distracting Them From Ruining Society

“It’s an American conspiracy,” says an Islamic official out front of the Sarasota mosque on Lockwood Ridge. “They convinced the Japanese to create a game that they knew would completely distract us from our goal of smothering Christian culture and striking regular fear into American minds.” The new augmented reality mobile app has taken the population’s attention from every day tasks.  People are distracted from work, family and even zealot religious missions by the Rattatas spawning in their neighbor’s yard. The first debates began as accidents were being reported within…

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Apparition Formerly Known As Prince Has Eyes On Siesta Key Property

Apparition Formerly Known As Prince Has Eyes On Siesta Key Property

Celebrities sure seem to love the Sarasota coast.  From Stephen King & Jerry Springer taking up permanent residence to vacation home flockers such as Mila Kunis and Drew Barrymore, the A-list is often present in our slice of paradise. The rumors always float around when someone picks up the news a new celebrity may be moving to town.  But, we have from solid sources that the spiritual presence of the artist formerly-alive known as Prince has signed a contract pending property inspection on the southern end of Siesta Key.  The…

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SCIENCE REPORT: You Look Like Your Mom and Your Dad Mixed Together

SCIENCE REPORT: You Look Like Your Mom and Your Dad Mixed Together

In a ground breaking new report from the Swiss Science Board, researchers have shown that people actually look like a blend of their mother and their father. “We’ve hypothesized for quite some time that there was a mixture of features being combined to make you look like you do, but a study of nearly 5,000 participants has given us confirmation that it is in fact a nearly 50/50 split of genetic features from your parents.”

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Sarasota Officials Install Laser Beam System to Control Traffic on Tamiami Trail

Sarasota Officials Install Laser Beam System to Control Traffic on Tamiami Trail

The new traffic control system from ARLAZ Enterprises has been contracted by SRQ officials to help handle the out of control traffic situation on Highway 41 from North Venice to Bradenton. The towers installed near busy intersections detect drivers who are actively using a handheld, mobile device while driving as well as slow drivers. “It’s illegal to drive more than 15 mph under the speed limit and these drivers are causing massive delays in residents getting anywhere.” Explains traffic patrol officer Gruntz. The lasers are designed to cause minimal damage…

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Local Celebrity Encounter “Bragger” Claims to Have Done “Hand Stuff” With Pee-wee Herman

Local Celebrity Encounter “Bragger” Claims to Have Done “Hand Stuff” With Pee-wee Herman

With tales ranging from fixing Brian Johnson’s flat tire to eating LSD and skinny dipping with 1-800-Ask-Gary’s kids, area claimster Frish Sparrow (26) brought out a new one at a social gathering Sunday night. “I saw him, it was Pee-wee.  I wasn’t going to bug him but he approached me.” Sparrow continues the story reveling in details of “hand stuff” Herman requested which he begrudgingly performed.  “I knew it would be a good story, so I slapped his pecker around for a little bit.” At press time Sparrow tells us he…

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Florida Bans Small Guns

Florida Bans Small Guns

After intense debates into the late hours on Wednesday night, Florida officials have sped legislative bill H.R.1509.IH through the law making tunnels and passed it with a decent margin of support.  Debates were primarily over what specifics defined a “small gun.” Once the bill becomes active in early August, all Florida residents will be required to turn in any firearm that can’t fire more than 8 rounds before reloading.  All who comply will receive a complimentary M1911 pistol in return. Other banned specifications include: Too much recoil Not semi or fully automatic Doesn’t…

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Here Comes Another Fucking Craft Beer Bar to Sarasota

Here Comes Another Fucking Craft Beer Bar to Sarasota

Howard’s Hoptactular Hangout (“Tripel H”) is scheduled to open on Clark Rd, July 1st, 2016. Sarasotians need for overpriced malt beverages just cannot be satisfied. As all the others, Tripel H has its own schtick it will be bringing to the table. “We add fresh hops right to your beer glass, an entire handful per pour!” Owner Howie McGavin tells us. “If you aren’t scraping your tongue off with sandpaper, which we provide at every table, then we give you your money back!” Tripel H joins the ranking as the…

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Search On For Missing Gator Spotted Being Dragged Into Rick Scott’s Backyard

Search On For Missing Gator Spotted Being Dragged Into Rick Scott’s Backyard

(Tallahassee, FL) Eye witnesses near the Florida Governor’s residence spotted an 8-foot, neighborhood alligator being dragged but what appeared to be a naked Rick Scott around 9:15pm last night (June 14th, 2016). The entire sequence of events is still unclear but reported to have lasted less than a minute. “That poor gator didn’t see it coming. There are signs posted to not loiter in the area as danger governor’s have been spotted, but alligators can’t read. Little guy didn’t stand a chance.” Search parties are in place and combing the…

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Angered Mutant Ninja Turtles Lash Out Over Bee Ridge Construction

Angered Mutant Ninja Turtles Lash Out Over Bee Ridge Construction

Raphael, the leader of the pack, approached SRQNews.com with a fierce dialogue on the current Bee Ridge Road Construction. He tells us: “How is a mutant turtle supposed to fight crime when the sewer system is being completely destroyed. Yea, sure, two years from now every thing is gonna be peachy-keen but what the FUCK are we supposed to do now? Fight in the daylight? Take SCAT around town to fight the foot clan?” Sarasota officials say the construction was necessary as aging sewer systems were deteriorating and septic systems…

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