Alcoholic Liberals Rejoice In Excuse To Get Shitty

Alcoholic Liberals Rejoice In Excuse To Get Shitty

“I can brag about getting shitfaced on social media right now, it’s incredible.” Local liberal, Glen Bodsworth is soaking down the libations at an incredible rate since Trump was announced to win the presidency.  Liquor store sales have skyrocketed today. “I drink a lot.  Always have, probably always will.  But it’s typically by myself, in the late afternoons, at home and I don’t tell people.  I’m a high functioning alcoholic and that’s cool with me.” Glen’s not alone.  Posts all over Facebook have ranged from: “I’m gonna have to have…

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Jesus Casts Last Minute Vote To Swing Presidency

Jesus Casts Last Minute Vote To Swing Presidency

He’s racist, bigoted, hateful and arrogant.  He’s all of these things openly.  But at the end of the day, I’m Jesus and I just can’t let women make their own decisions regarding their bodies.  I don’t even think it’s wrong to have an abortion before the heart starts beating, but as the creator of Heaven & Earth and the star character of the Bible, I have expectations to live up to and I can’t vote for a woman or a pro-choicer. Sorry America, I fucked up.

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Area Liquor Dealer Getting A Little Too Friendly

Area Liquor Dealer Getting A Little Too Friendly

Paul, who requested we don’t reveal his real name, has been reaching uncomfortable levels of friendliness with some of his clients. “It’s just weird when your dealer starts asking about your family.  I’m here for the goods, not to make friends,” resident James Alderbeak tells us.  Witnesses tell us Paul acts normal, meaning distant and discreet, when a new client finds him.  But over a few months, gradually, he starts finding clues about your life and referencing them like some sort of new buddy. “I had to bring my wife with me to…

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Sarasota Residents Troubled By Controversial Names of New Keys

Sarasota Residents Troubled By Controversial Names of New Keys

In what was expected to be a highly praised and well received announcement, the new Pecker Key and Flat Sid Key names have caused turmoil.  Residents say the names can be interpreted as genital related.  Though named after two of the more interesting and exotic creatures found in the ecosystem of the area, the choices can be read the wrong way. The Short Nubbed Wood Pecker is a truly magnificent sight.  They may be beautiful, but they are dangerous to approach and residents have been warned not to play with…

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Sarasota To Install Two New Keys As Siesta & Lido Tourism Growth Rises

Sarasota To Install Two New Keys As Siesta & Lido Tourism Growth Rises

An unprecedented growth in tourism to the beautiful Sarasota keys has caused major concern.  A spike of 132% increase this year alone has caused officials to meet with contractors Helm & Toter.  H & T are known for island creation services.  The process involves draining sand from 3rd world countries at pennies on the square mile. The new keys are named after local, exotic animals found on the current keys.  The Flat Sid Toe Gerbler is a crab species native to Siesta and Lido as well as the Short Nubbed Wood…

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Ringling to Retire All Clowns In Response To Public Outcry

Ringling to Retire All Clowns In Response To Public Outcry

Scoopy, a Ringling Circus resident, began crying as we interviewed him about the latest announcement. “I just don’t know what to think… after a while it just becomes your life, it’s what you get used to.” On November 15th, Scoopy will be a free clown for the first time he can remember.  He was captured at a young age after his mother abandoned him.  All he knows is she was a heroin addict and could still be roaming the streets of downtown Sarasota if not dead. Over the past decade…

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Sarasota Ranked #1 In Amateur Weather Photographer Population

Sarasota Ranked #1 In Amateur Weather Photographer Population

Forbes released it’s annual list of towns with the highest populations of people who think they can take photographs really good. Followed closely by Bradenton (#2) and Portland, Oregon (#3), Sarasota came out ahead in the number one spot with a margin of 11.5%. We caught up with some of the local weather aficionados at sunset on Siesta Key.  James Borgles tells us, “We live in paradise.  I photograph every single sunset and share on my seven primary social media outlets and four of my secondary social sites.  Sometimes I’ll get…

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Area Man Leaves Same Emotionless Birthday Message On All Friend Walls

Area Man Leaves Same Emotionless Birthday Message On All Friend Walls

Each morning John Clenhart goes straight to his Facebook to see who is celebrating a birthday.  Thanks to the handy tool provided by Facebook he’s able to go through all of them sequentially without changing pages. “happy birthday.” he writes 2, 3 occasionally 5+ times a day. “The lack of capital letters show I care enough about the social agenda tied to birthdays on social media but not enough give any enthusiasm.  The period drills it in.” Clenhart goes on to explain there’s a subtle balance in being a part…

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Sarasota Residents More Prepared For Nothing Than Ever

Sarasota Residents More Prepared For Nothing Than Ever

As Hurricane Matthew approaches the East Coast, those in the safe zone couldn’t be more prepared for absolutely nothing. Local jive-turkey Jamie Cortez was seen drinking Miller Highlife and nailing particle board over his windows this evening.  He also managed to stock up on water, gas in the truck and plenty of pre-boiled chicken breasts. “If you watch the radar closely you can see little twitches in the path.  It’s like a penny on train tracks, all it takes is a little nudge and that thing’s gonna ram into us like tourists…

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Area Homeless “Holding Out For Management Position”

Area Homeless “Holding Out For Management Position”

As the homeless situation ceases to slow down in Sarasota our investigative reporters hit the streets to uncover what factors could be leading this epidemic. Trudging along Cocoanut Ave. we encountered many street people who were more than willing to chat with us.  Bob Froders, 47, told us the cost of living in Sarasota is far beyond reasonable.  Just grabbing a job at McDonald’s or Wal-Mart would lead to more trouble than it’s worth. “I can sit out here, panhandle and steal shit and make around $25k/year and not even…

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