Hidden Tragedy: Hurricane Irma Cuts Off Drug Flow To Florida

An unreported epidemic has struck Floridians that over shadows all other tragedies brought on by Hurricane Irma.  Hundreds of thousands of Florida residents are without their much needed marijuana and adderall.  Up to 3.2 million people cannot obtain their daily doses of cocaine. With travel from north of Florida blocked up for miles and crawling slowly, state drug dealers are blocked from supplying the various outlets.  Over 80% of UPS delivery trucks are at week+ delays carrying thousands of pounds of cannabis.  These trucks also contain the state’s supply of…

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Sarasota Man Forced To Eat Spilled Canned Tuna Off Ground After Hurricane Irma

In a sad state of affairs, area man Jason Clingsworth forked his tuna a little too angrily while scooping from the can.  As half the chunks of white albacore fluttered to the ground he growled a solemn “fuck” under his breath. Being hard times and having spent his monthly grocery budget on bottled water and Fresca, Jason was forced to pick individual chunks off the kitchen floor.  The flaky bits crumbled as his thumb and forefinger ever so slightly clamped together. At press time a single tear rolled down his…

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New Daiquiri Deck To Open On Stilts Just Off Siesta Beach

Just a day after opening their Stickney Point location over the south Siesta bridge, Daiquiri Deck owners announce a new location to be built right off shore. “We opened our newest location three stories high to give diners a better view of the key’s beaches.  Now we want to open one on the water to give a view of the key itself!” the owners excitedly told us. To get to the bar and dining room patrons will need to swim 30 yards out into the gulf and climb a ladder.…

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President Trump Says He Will Retire to Sarasota When Impeached

Prefacing the Comey Testimony on Wed at 10am EDT, President Trump has claimed he will be moving his home base to Sarasota, Florida when impeached.  The President was given market research showing his support in the community was higher among the primary resident demographic of 60 years old and over individuals than any other city in the country. A White House official tells us the POTUS was shocked to learn it beat the obvious, openly racist and fundamentally backwards religious towns such as Mesa, Arizona and Oklahoma City. Above all he was…

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Downtown SRQ Mercury Dealer to Offer Economy Stimulating BOGO

To do his part in boosting the economy, area Merc’ dealer Johannes Al-Jaqueson is going to offer a two week special “Buy-One-Get-One.”  As purveyor of three Ford/Lincoln/Mercury dealerships only his downtown location will be pushing the promotion. At press time he was quoted, “I like to put myself in the mind of the average consumer. Then I ask myself, if I had money what would I do? I always come to the same conclusion: Go downtown and buy a Mercury or two.” He continued explaining this just isn’t possible.  Buying…

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Alcoholic Liberals Rejoice In Excuse To Get Shitty

“I can brag about getting shitfaced on social media right now, it’s incredible.” Local liberal, Glen Bodsworth is soaking down the libations at an incredible rate since Trump was announced to win the presidency.  Liquor store sales have skyrocketed today. “I drink a lot.  Always have, probably always will.  But it’s typically by myself, in the late afternoons, at home and I don’t tell people.  I’m a high functioning alcoholic and that’s cool with me.” Glen’s not alone.  Posts all over Facebook have ranged from: “I’m gonna have to have…

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Jesus Casts Last Minute Vote To Swing Presidency

He’s racist, bigoted, hateful and arrogant.  He’s all of these things openly.  But at the end of the day, I’m Jesus and I just can’t let women make their own decisions regarding their bodies.  I don’t even think it’s wrong to have an abortion before the heart starts beating, but as the creator of Heaven & Earth and the star character of the Bible, I have expectations to live up to and I can’t vote for a woman or a pro-choicer. Sorry America, I fucked up.

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