Sarasota Alcoholic Throws Son’s 8th Birthday Party at Memories Lounge

Local high-functioning alcoholic, James Kinderman (43), realized this morning his son was turning eight-years-old. In order to be a good father he knew he had to throw a party. It was too late to send invites with his son to school but he knew where there would be people that could help celebrate. At 3:15PM he picked up his son from school and took him to Memories on Tamiami Trail. There were four people at the bar and they all sang happy birthday to little Timmy. Five whiskey-gingers later and…

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Local Serial Killer Taking Day Off for Halloween

Jason Norman, a resident serial killer, says he’s gonna take off the night for Halloween. “I don’t want to seem like I’m celebrating. I kill when I want to kill, not because it’s some wiccan holiday. Plus, Jesus, my Lord and Savior, he’s not really a fan of the holiday.” Norman says he will resume his murderous regiment starting mid-November to give some to “clear the air. I’ve been needing new glasses for a while so I’ll spend some time shopping for those.”

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Local Man Has Dream Wife Grows Tiny Penis & Beard

Osprey resident Jack Schlinger (28) went to bed like any other night on Tuesday. When he woke up, he was a new person. “The dream was so real,” Jack tells us, “the beard was more like a 5 o’clock shadow, maybe a little longer. The penis was little, like a vienna sausage. The craziest part of the whole experience was this long mental and emotional battle I went through internally. I was like, ‘do I turn gay for my wife?’ and after a lot of contemplation, I realized… yes, yes…

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New College Professors No Longer Allowed to Attend School Orgies

In a shocking turn of events, the New College board voted to ban faculty from engaging in school orgies. “We’ve doing these for years! It’s half the reason I started working here,” said one anonymous female professor. “In fact, it’s the only reason! College is full of young, horny 18 to 20 year-olds, if they setup a gang bang… sorry, I mean orgy, then it’s a lot of fun!” Faculty having one-on-one intercourse with a student has been banned since the inception of the college, but orgies were a loophole.…

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BREAKING NEWS: NASA Makes Contact with Alien Race – Bunch of Fucking Rednecks

In an unprecedented event that happen just a few short hours ago, NASA has officially made contact with an intelligent species that lives on another planet. It appears the Gorlongs, their version of “The South,” won an eerily similar civil war a few centuries ago against the Jakerpufs. Since then the incestual culture of the Gorlongs has long taken over and now, as NASA engineer Clifford Balderman tells, “they’re just a bunch of fucking green-trash rednecks.” The impact this discovery will have on the rest of the world is yet…

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New Publix to Open on Top of Newest Publix

Publix announced plans to break ground, or should we say break roof, on top of the new Publix that opened last year on Bay Street, near the 41/301 intersection. “Seeing as Bay Street is already two story (built on top of the parking garage) it only made sense to build the first Publix-on-Publix there,” we were told by Publix CEO William E. Crenshaw. “You see, sometimes you don’t want to go to the same Publix you always do, you wanna switch it up, so we give neighbors a whole new…

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Bucs Fans Calling it a Season

It was a bad enough start with the awful uniform change. now through week 8 of the season Bucs fans everywhere are wrapping it up and anticipating the draft. Citing their woeful 1-6 start local fan Willis Stanton was quoted as saying “I just can’t take the agony anymore, I ‘m ready to start mowing the lawn and getting baked out of my mind on Sundays again.” This piss poor performance is just one of many adding up quick for frustrated Bucs fans.

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Local Father Pees in 2-Year-Old’s Training Potty

Bradenton man Jeremy Splatterson (38), father of two, urinated in his son’s training potty early this morning. His wife, Reid Splatterson (35), gave us the report. “That fucking drunk, I swear. We were just enjoying a movie and about to fall asleep, it was probably 1:30am when I heard what sounded like someone pissing on the floor. I look over and my dumbass husband with a giant shit-eating grin was filling up our boy’s potty. Well, trying to, he got piss all over the floor as well.” Apparently the man…

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Myakka Farmer Engineers Chicken/Lettuce/Tomato Hybrid

In a radical experiment using techniques that haven’t been touched since Russian scientists in the 1950’s, Farmer Bole Scrountner has created what may become the hottest food trend this decade. With duct tape, a sewing kit and a tank of NO2, Scrountner engineered a combination of three favorite sandwich items. “The chicken was the hardest part, it wouldn’t stop moving while I was stitching. Once I got it attached just right I looked at my invention and realized I may have just changed human history.” Reports on this discovery left…

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