Area Man Thinks it’s About Time to Plug In Tree He Never Took Down Last Year

Randy Jonsenbaur (47) is feeling the Christmas tingle.  With Thanksgiving behind and a few more pounds on us, the titillation is in the air.  Randy tells SRQNews he’s one of those “kooky dads that gets a little too into the season.  I tend to go overboard a bit hehe.” Randy saves money buy keeping a lot of the Christmas decorations from previous years.  He says when the lights are on you can’t really tell the tree is over a year old. “Still got some leftover eggnog from a couple years…

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New Research Shows 80% of Happy Marriages Result of Faking It and Side Pussy

In an amazing, five year study funded by the American Household Institute, scientists have provided results that indicate happy marriages have two things in common: Pretending to be happy with the status quot and the husband getting some strange on the regular.  The statistics show the standard side pussy is between the ages of 27 and 35 though there were variances and anomalies showing some side pussy as old as 72. The benchmark set to describe a “happy marriage” includes a lack of depression, a threshold minimum of $80,000/year household…

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Sarasota Transplant Claiming to Have Invented the Word “Pecker” Proven Wrong by Egyptian Hieroglyphs

Chris Mackles moved to Sarasota from East Georgia in early 2009.  With him he brought a strange southern dialect unknown to the standard Jersey-raised, Florida resident.  One word in particular he uses daily, a word that has spread like fire across the Gulf Coast.  That word is “pecker,” referring to the male genitalia. Mackles tells us, “It has many forms.  You can call people peckerheads, peckerwoods, peckerholes and so on.  It can also be used to actually refer to your pecker as well, in the literal sense and all.” Mackles…

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Newly Weds Surprised to Find New Libido Imbalance Immediately After taking Vows

Jimmy Kruger (29) recently married long-time girlfriend and fiance Mary Stewart.  Reports came in this morning showing evidence of a high sexual encounter rate through the majority of the relationship.  One source claims up to two times a day with a minimum of once every 36 hours.  We tracked down Kruger to pry for a first-hand experience testimony, “Yea, usually at least once-a-day unless one of us was sick or something.  Hell, I used to get blow jobs!” A strange phenomena that scientists have been researching for decades indicates a…

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Area Man Realizes Most Morning FB Posts are GIddy and Insincere After Coffee Wears Off

ELLENTON, FL – Local Resident PJ Heimerdinger has what you may call a nasty habit, every weekday morning at 8am he chugs 5 cups of extra strong black coffee and hits the Facebook. “I need that boost in the mornings, its not as bad as it seems, my tolerance is 3 cups, so I need that much just to get back to normal” In and of itself this does not seem like a huge issue.. Studies show 4 in 20 Americans struggle with caffeine abuse, but what ensues on the…

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Opinion: 11 Holiday Tips to Get You Laid (For Men)

Stop being a pussy Seriously, this is the #1 reason you are not getting laid.  Put on your confidence pants and talk to women.  Did you know that human males release a pheromone that naturally wets panties? It comes from a gland that is activated by self-respect.  Man up. Don’t eat so much fucking food Jesus, you’ve put on 10lbs in November alone.  You look disgusting in clothes and we can’t even imagine what the full nude nightmare must be.  Don’t fucking eat so much, cocaine is an excellent way…

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Local Freelance Social Media Consultant & Strategic Development Implementer Getting Gigs Thanks to Super Long Title

Cody “The Synergizer” McNabb is doing pretty awesome for a freelancer in the new media industry.  He tells us he’s on the brink of making six digits for 2014.  His secret? “It’s all in the title, baby.” He explains to SRQNews, “Look, nobody understands Facebook and Pinterest and how to use them for marketing and building business and brand awareness.  It’s a game, you have to find the synergy between your product or service and the digital outlets you choose to cater.  There must be demographic targeting strategies, market research,…

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BREAKING NEWS: U.S. Sells Missouri to Syria

In an attempt to stabilize America, The three branches of government unanimously voted to sell Missouri to Syria.  “The unrest was just too much,” President Obama stated in a speech just now.  “We were going to just sell Ferguson but after a short discussion we agreed the U.S. doesn’t even need Missouri at all.” Coming within just a month of Florida separating into two states this brings the U.S. back to a 50 count.  “Thank Jesus we don’t have to print new 51 star flags! We couldn’t have asked for…

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Area Rat Devotes Life to Science

Gintek Research Labs is no stranger to using rats as test subjects, but to have a volunteer is “heroic in the least,” says scientist Greg Stromsky.  The lab usually has to buy their rats from trapping companies who push through a chain of suppliers to different labs across the country. Monday afternoon there was a call from the front desk at Gintek to Stromsky’s office.  “Sir, there’s a rat here that would like to speak to you.”  Stromsky had the rat ushered back to his office.  Looking disheveled and broken,…

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