5 Tips to Get Laid On New Years (For Girls)

DATELINE – Sarasota, FL – New Years Eve As we close out 2014 and bring in the year of the goat (which is supposed to be an auspicious year)… Us ladies here at SRQ news, thought we would help out our fellow vaginas by giving you tips to get it on, and if you had to look up the word auspicious, like myself, good news! It means conducive to success! So bring a change of panties and some knee pads this New Years eve. 1. Have some semblance of a…

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Area Father Wonders Which Child Will Be Biggest Disappointment at Christmas this Year

Sarasota dad, Lawrence Fizburn is expecting all four sons to come for Christmas this year. As tradition goes, he’s curious which child of his will be the biggest disappointment this year. “In 2013 it was Jerry, he got black out drunk on pineapple moonshine and tried to convince his mother that being a high functioning alcoholic is actually better for a family than being sober. His arguments may have been good but he was slurring so bad we could only make out a couple words,” Lawrence explained. “He doesn’t have…

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Sarasota Police Offer Anti-DUI Program “Drunks Driving Drunks” for NYE

You can avoid getting a DUI this New Year’s Eve by utilizing a new program that was just approved by the Florida State Legislature. “Drunks Driving Drunks” is the newest free car service that will be available during what is commonly called an “amateur alcoholic holiday.” People who have pleaded guilty to DUI in 2014 have been given the option to avoid jail time and license suspension in exchange for participating in this program. The spokespeople for “Drunks Driving Drunks” are Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael. Michael told SRQnews,com that,…

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Area Churches Gear Up for New Billboard Campaign to Include Lasers and Explosions

First Baptist of Osprey pastor James von Dechtenstein has rounded up the troops.  In a secret meeting that included 20 Southern Baptist preachers from around the state of Florida, a new campaign to “scare the hell” out of people and bring them to Jesus Christ of Nazareth’s salvation is underway.  The campaign will focus on interstate billboards as the primary media.  Use of new technology allowing flaming explosions and powerful lasers will be central to the project. “People just don’t want to love on Jesus anymore.  I’ve been preaching just…

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Vice President Biden Falling Asleep on Couch at White House Every Night

“I just like to hang out, you know?” Biden tells the AP.  Word from White House officials points to situations where Biden drinks Svedka Vodka until 12:30am or so before nestling up on the couch asleep.  No one wants to move him so they just let him do it. Obama had few remarks on the subject but his wife was quick to point out that “it’s getting old.”  She pointed out that no one wants to be “that wife” because it’s not like he’s a huge inconvenience.  She said it’s…

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Local Patriot Has Entire 10 Year Catalog of Funny Eagle Wrapping Paper

“I’ve been collecting since it came out in 1994,” Frank Abado (53) tells us. “Something just struck me about it when I saw it in the bargain bin at K-Mart.  I chuckled and I love America, it just made sense to get it.  When I went back the next year, they had two kinds of funny eagle wrapping paper.” Frank doesn’t even take them out of the shrink wrap.  He’s confident the full collection in perfect condition will be a valuable inheritance for his children.  “Yea, sure, I could leave…

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North Korea Sets Sights on Romantic Comedies

Completely overwhelmed with their successful “Hack Sony” campaign, NK officials have decided to keep the ball rolling.  After hacking Sony in order to get more points for their Playstation  3 copy of Final Fantasy, the government found a lot more than they asked for.  In attempt to test the waters, Kim Jung Un told his ministry to send a message of “terror if they don’t… uh, if they don’t… hmm, tell them not to release that movie about me!”  Absolute shock crawled across the entire staff when they watched every…

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Sarasota Moving Pineapple Drop Celebration to 5:30PM on NYE to Avoid Noise Ordinance Issues

SRQ Officials decided it’s best to just move back the celebration a bit instead of dealing with potential aftermath of angry locals.  The Pineapple will be dropped at 5:30PM with a 20 minute music set by Kettle of Fish immediately after.  They expect all celebration to be over and cleaned up by 6:30 so area old people can get to sleep on time.  After which Kettle of Fish will be heading to a play a real NYE show at Sarasota Municipal Auditorium.  Click here for details. For more information be sure to…

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