Local Internet “Scientist” Proves Global Science Community Wrong

(BRANDON) Long time resident Jonah Branson (34) , G.E.D., A.A., who lives with his parents has unearthed an amazing string of revelations proving many well established “facts” in the science world wrong. Through blogs such as conspirinature.com, thegovlies.com and scienceisfullofshit.org, Branson has managed to find and share the truth behind scientific studies on items such as artificial sweetener, cracking knuckles, electronic cigarettes and juicing. “I did two years at ITT and got my A.A. in Computer Telesupport. It’s a science degree,” Branson tells us. With his elite training he has…

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New Facebook Terms Allow Access to Your Neighbor’s Bank Account

If you thought it was bad enough that the most recent terms & agreements from Facebook allowed them to dip into your personal bank accounts without notice, you (and your neighbors) were not ready for this. The newest terms set to be released on Monday the 12th will allow Facebook to actively withdraw from anyone who lives within 250 feet of your residence. Using antiquated community agreement laws, Facebook has managed to do this and it is completely legal. The only way to keep it from happening is to copy…

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Local Church Taking Advantage of Gay Marriage Ruling

As of January 6th, it will be legal for same sex couples to get married in Florida. This is has been an issue where many churches and politicians have been staunch opponents. It seems as if some have had a change of heart. While Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi hasn’t fully admitted defeat, she is no longer standing in the way of county clerks issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples. Others are taking a more practical approach to this change in state law. Bradenton’s First Baptist Church of the…

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New Generation of Teens Overdosing on Designer Drugs Instead of the Classics

“When I was their age it was all reefer, shrooms, LSD and on occasion some cocaine.  These kids today… what the ever loving FUCK is 2C-I-NBOMe?” Venice resident Mark Dangerloe (57) spills the beans about the drug scene in the 70’s. “We’d go out to beach and smoke four or five doobers. Half the time we’d end up naked and tearing up some 19 year old bush. Every couple months we’d trip out on some hallucinogenics and get weird. It was a good time. If we were gonna party so hard we…

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Jameis Winston Intentionally Loses Rose Bowl to Avoid Being Drafted by Buccaneers

Florida State Seminole fans were in shock as they watched their star quarterback flail, flounder and fumble away a chance at the FBS National Championship Thursday night. Even more shocking are the reports that he intentionally threw the game. It was not a nefarious point-shaving plot. It was, in fact, a calculated career move. According to an anonymous source out of Tallahassee, Winston was witnessed “Wringing his hands and muttering to himself, ‘Tennessee Titans, here I come.’ ” The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have secured the first pick in the 2015…

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