“Seconds Since Last Accident” Billboard Removed After Causing More Wrecks than Preventing

In an array of confusion, the local government officials have decided to remove the billboard as it did the exact opposite as intended. Not being the first time a rash decision made by this troop backfired, we at SRQNews.com are not completely surprised. The approval of the billboard came immediately after a councilman’s 8 year old son said it would be a good idea. Now, the mistake has been brought to realization. Fortunately only 23 lives were lost and it has been removed before reaching the dreaded two-dozen dead.

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SRQ Officials Install ‘Seconds Since Last Accident’ Billboard on I-75 to Promote Safer Driving

In order to ease traffic and promote more alert driving on the Manasota stretch of I-75, officials have installed a billboard displaying the amount of seconds passed since the last accident. Council Chairman James Vanderbanks tells us, “We had to do something. The accidents have been getting out of hand and this is one of many efforts we will be making to clear that up.” Apparently the record since installing the new billboard has been 380 seconds which is an improvement over the previous three month numbers. At press time…

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Apple Releases Top Five Request Made to Siri Nationwide

By request of the California Research Commission, Apple has complied and turned over the top Siri requests to a publicy funded research group. Thanks to public records our journalists were able to get a copy. Below are the top 5 requests people have made to Siri using their Apple mobile products ranging from iPhone to iPad. 5. (782,003 times in 2014) – “Siri, why is she such a bitch?” 4. (812,894 times in 2014) – “Siri, why does Obama hate me?” 3. (3,896,120 times in 2014) – “Siri, is two…

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BREAKING: Area Earbuds Found Not Tangled After Left Alone For Extended Period

Scientists are baffled. A first for our nation (has been experienced in Tanzania). Apair of earbuds, these of the Apple variety, were found completely untangled after left sitting out for nearly a month. According to physicists at Berkley the probability is one in 500 million. At this time the earbuds are kept under close watch in a vacuum at 0 degrees F. Results so far have shown no sign of intanglement.

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New App Tells You If You Are Dead Or Not

It’s a simple concept but no one has been able to pull it off … until now. HuB Studios of Sarasota has teamed up with religious communities from around the world to generate an algorithm so complex it can tell the user if he or she is still alive. “It wasn’t easy but when it finally clicked for our programmers it just made sense. Basically if you can open the app, you are alive. Like we said, simple answer, but finding that answer… that was the real challenge,” a spokesperson…

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Gear Thieves Flock in Droves to SXSW for Yearly Haul

“It’s that time again, better than Christmas!” Sal “Slick” Samone (42) of Tulsa, Oklahoma tells SRQNews.com that the haul from SXSW brings in nearly 60% of the yearly profits for his small enterprise. He explains it’s not easy, there’s loads of competition driving in from all over the U.S. to get a piece of the pie. Estimates have shown numbers ranging from $300,000 all the way up to $800,000 worth of gear can be snagged within the festivals week-long celebration of music, film and technology. “Last year we hit one…

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Sarasota Bartender Remembers First Beer for 600th Time

As 10p.m. approached on Wednesday night, Local Bartender and semi-professional alcoholic Cabe Unger of Growler’s Pub on Tamiami Trail recounted the first beer he ever drank for the 600th time. Patron Jimmy Marksyn (22), a Ringling student, fell off his bar stool in front of a small audience. “I remember my first beer!” Unger exclaimed to a moderate reception of giggles and laughter. It wasn’t until Unger’s shift was over that he realized this was his 600th time bringing that awful memory back into his mind. He opened his notebook…

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Millions of 1/32 Irish Heritage Americans Gear Up to Celebrate Justified Alcoholism

Gout pills are flying off the shelf as self-proclaimed Irish Americans prepare to drown their existence in dark beer and whiskey. According the U.S. Census and a survey of the immigration records by the bureau, 98% of Americans representing the demographic are less than 1/32 Irish with the remainder made up of Native American, German, Scandanavian and West Zimbowegon genetics. Justin Malloy of Bradenton was our first run in during street interviews. “I think my Grandad’s Grandpop actually came over from Ireland. Probably on a boat since it was in…

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Area Wife Cheats on Boyfriend with Husband

Jana Wilson (27) made a big mistake last night, she slept with her husband for the first time in 7 months. What her boyfriend considered a dead bedroom he soon found out he was dead wrong. “I can’t believe this. We’ve been together nearly five months and now she does this. I had given her my heart and trust at this point and she goes and throws it all down the drain by sleeping with her fucking husband. I’m so sick of these married women treating me so wrong,” confessed…

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Locals Sick & Tired of Deer Always Taking Naps on Side of Road

“It’d be nice if I could just drive down the road one and not see some deer just sleeping there. It’s not a bed, it’s not a home it’s the damn curb!” John Makers of Myakka tells us how seriously over it he is. Every day locals see body after body just snoozing there and doing nothing. What makes it worse is they are usually on their way to work while these deadbeat deer do nothing but sleep in and mock them.

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