Local Blow Job Cures World Hunger, Ends Global Warming And May Run For President

In an unprecendented state of affairs, a blow job occured late in the evening Thursday night that has solved 75% of the world’s problems. No one understands the power behind such a magnificent event until it swept joy and positive energy across the globe. As it stands, there is an expected Presidential candidate announcement from said blow job. In an early morning online poll, results are showing a landslide win if the BJ does enter the race for the White House.

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Dumbass Kid On Bike Not Looking Both Ways Hit By Car, Dies

Morgan Mitchell was simply trying to eat and catch up on emails during his commute before jumping back into the rat race we call work. When suddenly, this most-likely retarded child on a shitty-ass huffy bike his low-life, chain smoking mother probably stole for him decides to just casually ride across the street into traffic. At 1:30pm EMTs pronounced the moronic result of inbreeding officially dead.

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CEO, CTO and CMO All Pretty Sure It’s The CFO Getting Piss All Over Corporate Executive Suite Bathroom Floor

Barnes & Peabody Inc. Executives Maynard, Barnes & Peabody are pretty confident in their assumption. They rallied over early morning coffee at the local Dunkin Donuts for a final discussion about the large puddles of piss surrounding the shitter in their executive suite on the 9th floor of the Harmon Building in downtown Sarasota. “We’ve all been keeping eyes on the flow of bathroom traffic as best we can but no one has definitive evidence it’s Todd,” Maynard the Chief Marketing Officer tells us. “But we are all livid and…

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Local Man Wrongly Assumes No One Knows It Was His Fart Stinking Up Entire Office

Kevin Davenport (36) ate an entire bag of sugar-free peanut butter cups Monday night in an attempt to lose the 30lbs he put on over the holidays. Unfortunatley the sugar alcohols which replace the calorie robust cane sugar in normal candy can cause anal leakage as the fine print states on each bag. Davenport managed to squeeze out a long, but silent fart into his office chair which quickly enveloped his cubicle. In attempt to save face he walked away to use the water fountain but upon returning he realized…

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Post Orioles Spring Training Ed Smith Stadium To Be Used As Battle Arena For SRQ Homeless

In a brainstorming session held by SRQ government officials, four dozen residents showed up to pitch ideas about what to do with Ed Smith when the Orioles leave. After hours of debate and narrowing top choices the group settled on converting the stadium into a gladiator-esque battle arena. “This will help thin out our homeless issue and provide quality entertainment for the good citizens of Manasota. It will also create jobs. Every one wants more jobs.” Look for the opening matches between Sarasota’s finest homeless and a pack of wild…

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Gulf Gate Publix Becomes Newest Breeding Ground For The Living Dead

Early Sunday morning investigators discovered the latest breeding ground for Sarasota’s living dead. The Publix located at the corner of 41 and Clark was swamped with slow walking, apparently dead humans. The troup was mostly walking into the Publix with a small portion apparently confused on what exactly they were doing which led to them standing still in the middle of the traffic lanes. Shockingly, we learned there were a few of these beings driving cars. Where they came from or why they chose Sarasota and this particular Publix is…

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