Breaking News: Free Sex

SRQNews.com investigators have uncovered what may be the biggest revelation and human satisfaction since the lawnmower.  According to nearly a decade of research, if you are attractive, fit, have a solid personality and look like Channing Tatum it’s not that hard to get laid for free.  This is life changing for the blessed, good looking fuckers out there.

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Area Broken Baby Changing Station Converting Infants to Deformed Humanoid Monsters

The baby changing station at the Sears women’s bathroom in Bradenton was reported to facilities as broken last Friday.  Maintenance failure to put yellow “Do Not Use” tape on the contraption has produced horrifying results.  The changing stations malfunctioning has caused a swarm of infants to be converted into ruthless, man-eating, baby mutants.  A group lawsuit has been filed by the parents and victims.  Sears is expected to settle out of court.

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Subway Brings Jared Back to Promote “Footshlongs” to Inmates

In a stunning turn of events, Jared Fogal has been brought back onto the Subway marketing team. “It’s an untapped market in federal prison.  Our brilliant PR department saw the golden opportunity and Jared’s totally on board.” Knowing the intimate experiences Jared will be sharing with his new prison buddies, spreading the word of delicious meat-filled subs should be pretty easy.  The 12″ mayo-oozing, two-hand grippers are going to be rebranded as “Footshlongs” to embrace the soft “shhhh” sounds Jared will be hearing regularly as he spends time with the…

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Jared Fogle’s Career Ends Where It Began: Trying To Get Into Smaller Pants

Jared, the man who had it all, is preparing to plead guilty to child pornography charges.  Making $1m a year for the past fifteen years and all he had to do was keep his nose clean. The FBI isn’t releasing much information at this time.  Rumor has it Subway will be bringing back the guy who hit subs into people’s mouths with a golf club.  Their PR rep tells us, “Hopefully some nostalgia will help us recover from the molestation of our brand.  Think you’d be able to spot a…

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