Local Local Can’t Stop Getting His Local On

James Albridge of the Gulf Gate area has been localling it hard for a few years now.  Having moved to Sarasota in 2009 he didn’t really feel it was his home until around 2011 when he moved into his 3rd rental and got a raise at his job filing insurance claims.  At this time he also had a small group of friends and a potential girlfriend. Now, in 2015, he has reached a level of comfort in Sarasota known by few.  He has embraced the deepest aspects of being a…

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Sarasota Tech Company Plans Next Six Failures

Local start-up Hawtappz successfully launched their 18th failure on October 10th and is claiming they have their next six already planned and in development. “Staying ahead of the curve is vital in such a stop and go industry,” we were told by Founder and CEO Johnny Schmitz. “We like to know our doomed apps are completely thought out from the beginning to end of user experience before we start typing any code at all.  This is a challenge as we only have so much time before someone else comes up…

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Navigating Parking Lot of Chipotle Across From SMH During Lunch to Become Olympic Sport

The Olympic Global Committee unanimously agreed on Tuesday to allow navigating the parking lot of Chipotle on US41 during snow bird season at lunch time to be an official category in the PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics.  Entrants will be flown from South Korea for three days to participate. This is a landmark in the Olympics as it will be the first automobile based sport since the 1900 Olympics when it was technically unofficial but still considered.  The commmittee explains the maneuvering and coordination needed in hand, feet, eyes and brain allows…

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In Review: One Year Later University Town Center Has Proven Its Worth As a Stockade For the Fucking Dregs of Society

There was a lot of speculation making the rounds as the new mall was being built.  Will it serve a purpose? Will the goals be met? Am I gonna have to wait a fucking hour just to get on I-75 after work? Our review shows it has grown to be the #1 location for the societal classes that have no clue what to do with their lives beyond spending their parent’s and/or husband’s money and roaming around in circles: Soccer moms, youthful degenerates, Jersey Shore refugees and divorcees.  All these…

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