Local Woman Runs Out Of Men, Turns To Jesus

After years of sleeping her way through every social circle in the Manasota area, local Barbie McFerguson has run out of men and turned to the son of God. “You just can’t find a good man in this town.  I’ve been through them all.  Every time I wake up naked in different bed sheets I think to myself, this could be the one.  But now, I realize, there is only one and his bed is in Heaven and now in my heart.” Barbie has been frequenting the Emmanuel Holy Trinity…

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Local Luxury Restaurant Experiments

In a shocking display of risk taking, Mattison’s has decided to take a step outside the luxury menu comfort zone.  Studies have shown all luxury restaurants share the same menu: Pile of Lettuce w/ Shitty Vinegarette “Soup” Steak & Lobster with Potatoes Steak with Asparagus Seared Tuna with Asparagus Shrimp and/or Mussels with Asparagus Roasted Chicken with Asparagus & Potatoes Creme Brulee Chocolate Cake Cumming Fudge Lava Mattison’s has recently announced they will be adding sous vide chicken nuggets to their dinner menu.  A representative tells us ‘the nuggets are…

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