REPORT: Muslims Unsure How to Deal With Pokémon Go Distracting Them From Ruining Society

“It’s an American conspiracy,” says an Islamic official out front of the Sarasota mosque on Lockwood Ridge. “They convinced the Japanese to create a game that they knew would completely distract us from our goal of smothering Christian culture and striking regular fear into American minds.” The new augmented reality mobile app has taken the population’s attention from every day tasks.  People are distracted from work, family and even zealot religious missions by the Rattatas spawning in their neighbor’s yard. The first debates began as accidents were being reported within…

Read More

Apparition Formerly Known As Prince Has Eyes On Siesta Key Property

Celebrities sure seem to love the Sarasota coast.  From Stephen King & Jerry Springer taking up permanent residence to vacation home flockers such as Mila Kunis and Drew Barrymore, the A-list is often present in our slice of paradise. The rumors always float around when someone picks up the news a new celebrity may be moving to town.  But, we have from solid sources that the spiritual presence of the artist formerly-alive known as Prince has signed a contract pending property inspection on the southern end of Siesta Key.  The…

Read More

SCIENCE REPORT: You Look Like Your Mom and Your Dad Mixed Together

In a ground breaking new report from the Swiss Science Board, researchers have shown that people actually look like a blend of their mother and their father. “We’ve hypothesized for quite some time that there was a mixture of features being combined to make you look like you do, but a study of nearly 5,000 participants has given us confirmation that it is in fact a nearly 50/50 split of genetic features from your parents.”

Read More