Alcoholic Liberals Rejoice In Excuse To Get Shitty

“I can brag about getting shitfaced on social media right now, it’s incredible.” Local liberal, Glen Bodsworth is soaking down the libations at an incredible rate since Trump was announced to win the presidency.  Liquor store sales have skyrocketed today. “I drink a lot.  Always have, probably always will.  But it’s typically by myself, in the late afternoons, at home and I don’t tell people.  I’m a high functioning alcoholic and that’s cool with me.” Glen’s not alone.  Posts all over Facebook have ranged from: “I’m gonna have to have…

Read More

Jesus Casts Last Minute Vote To Swing Presidency

He’s racist, bigoted, hateful and arrogant.  He’s all of these things openly.  But at the end of the day, I’m Jesus and I just can’t let women make their own decisions regarding their bodies.  I don’t even think it’s wrong to have an abortion before the heart starts beating, but as the creator of Heaven & Earth and the star character of the Bible, I have expectations to live up to and I can’t vote for a woman or a pro-choicer. Sorry America, I fucked up.

Read More

Area Liquor Dealer Getting A Little Too Friendly

Paul, who requested we don’t reveal his real name, has been reaching uncomfortable levels of friendliness with some of his clients. “It’s just weird when your dealer starts asking about your family.  I’m here for the goods, not to make friends,” resident James Alderbeak tells us.  Witnesses tell us Paul acts normal, meaning distant and discreet, when a new client finds him.  But over a few months, gradually, he starts finding clues about your life and referencing them like some sort of new buddy. “I had to bring my wife with me to…

Read More

Sarasota Residents Troubled By Controversial Names of New Keys

In what was expected to be a highly praised and well received announcement, the new Pecker Key and Flat Sid Key names have caused turmoil.  Residents say the names can be interpreted as genital related.  Though named after two of the more interesting and exotic creatures found in the ecosystem of the area, the choices can be read the wrong way. The Short Nubbed Wood Pecker is a truly magnificent sight.  They may be beautiful, but they are dangerous to approach and residents have been warned not to play with…

Read More

Sarasota To Install Two New Keys As Siesta & Lido Tourism Growth Rises

An unprecedented growth in tourism to the beautiful Sarasota keys has caused major concern.  A spike of 132% increase this year alone has caused officials to meet with contractors Helm & Toter.  H & T are known for island creation services.  The process involves draining sand from 3rd world countries at pennies on the square mile. The new keys are named after local, exotic animals found on the current keys.  The Flat Sid Toe Gerbler is a crab species native to Siesta and Lido as well as the Short Nubbed Wood…

Read More