New Daiquiri Deck To Open On Stilts Just Off Siesta Beach

Just a day after opening their Stickney Point location over the south Siesta bridge, Daiquiri Deck owners announce a new location to be built right off shore. “We opened our newest location three stories high to give diners a better view of the key’s beaches.  Now we want to open one on the water to give a view of the key itself!” the owners excitedly told us. To get to the bar and dining room patrons will need to swim 30 yards out into the gulf and climb a ladder.…

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President Trump Says He Will Retire to Sarasota When Impeached

Prefacing the Comey Testimony on Wed at 10am EDT, President Trump has claimed he will be moving his home base to Sarasota, Florida when impeached.  The President was given market research showing his support in the community was higher among the primary resident demographic of 60 years old and over individuals than any other city in the country. A White House official tells us the POTUS was shocked to learn it beat the obvious, openly racist and fundamentally backwards religious towns such as Mesa, Arizona and Oklahoma City. Above all he was…

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Downtown SRQ Mercury Dealer to Offer Economy Stimulating BOGO

To do his part in boosting the economy, area Merc’ dealer Johannes Al-Jaqueson is going to offer a two week special “Buy-One-Get-One.”  As purveyor of three Ford/Lincoln/Mercury dealerships only his downtown location will be pushing the promotion. At press time he was quoted, “I like to put myself in the mind of the average consumer. Then I ask myself, if I had money what would I do? I always come to the same conclusion: Go downtown and buy a Mercury or two.” He continued explaining this just isn’t possible.  Buying…

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