Local Racist Boycotts Black Friday

Sarasota bigot and compulsive hoarder Carl Lipps (53) is sick and tired of the Black Friday craze. Being a couponer, he’s always looking out for the best deals in retail. “I got the 43″ TV over there for $105 thanks to some loop holes I found in a couple Wal-Mart coupons.” Carl’s house is packed full of trash, empty boxes and unopened items purchases when the deals were “too good to pass up.” From a pile of three microwave ovens still in the box to a giant children’s swing set that lay disassembled in the bathroom, Carl’s got any situation covered. “Never know when a meal might require multiple items being microwaved at the same time. What I do know is I’ll be ready.”

We probed Carl a bit more on his issue with Black Friday. He informs us he finds it incredibly unfair that only black people get to “enjoy smoking-hot deals the day after Thanksgiving.” Carl’s face turned bright red as he spoke through clenched teeth muttering terms we can’t print in good conscience. He went on to list the deals he’s been seeing in his dozens of coupon books and websites. He tells us he’s been in the market for another grandfather clock for forever now and Bed, Bath & Beyond is basically giving it away to “the blacks. This is the only time I’ve ever seen a coupon for a grandfather clock.” Carl tells us he plans to paint his face black with shoe polish on Friday the 28th.

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