John Smozier (35) of Ellington woke up Monday morning barely able to put his shoes on much less function like a normal adult. He tells us after the liter of vodka before bed he thought it would be a good idea to “eat a few Ritalin and get ahead on some cleaning.” Around 2:30am he had managed to clean up the empty beer cans on his desk then proceeded to dick around on the internet for an hour. One bong rip later and he realized he was ready to black out so he could get a little rest before work the next day.
When John’s alarm went off at 8:27am he was at a loss to find he had killed his entire script of Ritalin the night before, leaving him completely useless for the rest of the day. Through a battle of epic proportions with his own body he managed to get showered, dressed and to the office by 9:23am leaving minutes to spare before the morning meeting with co-workers and managers was to take place. A small group of five employees gave him little room to hide his semi-intoxicated presence.
In what can only be described as a miracle, John quickly discovered he was far from the most hungover person at the meeting. His neighboring departments director tried talking but what came out of his mouth was barely understandable. No one replied simply because they weren’t sure if he was not making sense or if their brain was processing at a two-year-old’s level. Three minutes of grunts and whispering while pretending to take notes later, the meeting was dismissed and every one slumped back to their desk. According to outside reports they were all spotted having a beer over their lunch at various establishments around town.