Millions of 1/32 Irish Heritage Americans Gear Up to Celebrate Justified Alcoholism

Gout pills are flying off the shelf as self-proclaimed Irish Americans prepare to drown their existence in dark beer and whiskey. According the U.S. Census and a survey of the immigration records by the bureau, 98% of Americans representing the demographic are less than 1/32 Irish with the remainder made up of Native American, German, Scandanavian and West Zimbowegon genetics.

Justin Malloy of Bradenton was our first run in during street interviews. “I think my Grandad’s Grandpop actually came over from Ireland. Probably on a boat since it was in the old times, you know?” James continued, “I can feel my Irish blood really pumping on St. Patrick’s Day,” he said as he main lined more blood-thinning Jameson into his veins.

It’s the American way. We are all proud of our heritage and celebration is the obvious answer. As we parted ways with Justin he was sure to tell us to catch up with him on Oktoberfest where he plans to indulge in his German roots by blacking out in the bathroom of the local German eatery.

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