Woman Swears to Cut Back on Alcohol after String of Regrettable Hook Ups

Area woman Margie Homslimmer has just had enough. “If I wake up one more time with my pussy sore and some loser next to me… well, well I just don’t know what I’m going to do,” she tells SRQNews staff. “My sister says its the booze, well then, let’s get rid of that.”

We were invited to follow Margie as she made her life shifting decision to see if she’d follow through. After 36 hours we found her blowing lines of orange powder (“I said no booze, fuckholes”) on amazon ordering the largest, vibrating, double-hinged dildos available. “Look at that!” she exclaimed, “It goes in your butt at the same time and it jiggles!”

Homslimmer placed her $87 order plus the $99 for her amazon prime renewal. “Can’t wait to get those rubber dicks in the mail!”

As we were packing to leave we recalled Homslimmer casually browsing the craigslist hook up ads. “K, guys, I got this now. See ya later.” As we approached the front door, we opened it to find a young, scraggly gentleman carrying a duffle bag awaiting our exit. As we left and he entered, Homsilmmer was heard whispering “you want some adderall?”

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