Sarasota Man Forced To Eat Spilled Canned Tuna Off Ground After Hurricane Irma

In a sad state of affairs, area man Jason Clingsworth forked his tuna a little too angrily while scooping from the can.  As half the chunks of white albacore fluttered to the ground he growled a solemn “fuck” under his breath. Being hard times and having spent his monthly grocery budget on bottled water and Fresca, Jason was forced to pick individual chunks off the kitchen floor.  The flaky bits crumbled as his thumb and forefinger ever so slightly clamped together. At press time a single tear rolled down his…

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Alcoholic Liberals Rejoice In Excuse To Get Shitty

“I can brag about getting shitfaced on social media right now, it’s incredible.” Local liberal, Glen Bodsworth is soaking down the libations at an incredible rate since Trump was announced to win the presidency.  Liquor store sales have skyrocketed today. “I drink a lot.  Always have, probably always will.  But it’s typically by myself, in the late afternoons, at home and I don’t tell people.  I’m a high functioning alcoholic and that’s cool with me.” Glen’s not alone.  Posts all over Facebook have ranged from: “I’m gonna have to have…

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Angered Mutant Ninja Turtles Lash Out Over Bee Ridge Construction

Raphael, the leader of the pack, approached SRQNews.com with a fierce dialogue on the current Bee Ridge Road Construction. He tells us: “How is a mutant turtle supposed to fight crime when the sewer system is being completely destroyed. Yea, sure, two years from now every thing is gonna be peachy-keen but what the FUCK are we supposed to do now? Fight in the daylight? Take SCAT around town to fight the foot clan?” Sarasota officials say the construction was necessary as aging sewer systems were deteriorating and septic systems…

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Dumbass Kid On Bike Not Looking Both Ways Hit By Car, Dies

Morgan Mitchell was simply trying to eat and catch up on emails during his commute before jumping back into the rat race we call work. When suddenly, this most-likely retarded child on a shitty-ass huffy bike his low-life, chain smoking mother probably stole for him decides to just casually ride across the street into traffic. At 1:30pm EMTs pronounced the moronic result of inbreeding officially dead.

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Local Man Wrongly Assumes No One Knows It Was His Fart Stinking Up Entire Office

Kevin Davenport (36) ate an entire bag of sugar-free peanut butter cups Monday night in an attempt to lose the 30lbs he put on over the holidays. Unfortunatley the sugar alcohols which replace the calorie robust cane sugar in normal candy can cause anal leakage as the fine print states on each bag. Davenport managed to squeeze out a long, but silent fart into his office chair which quickly enveloped his cubicle. In attempt to save face he walked away to use the water fountain but upon returning he realized…

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Area Wife Cheats on Boyfriend with Husband

Jana Wilson (27) made a big mistake last night, she slept with her husband for the first time in 7 months. What her boyfriend considered a dead bedroom he soon found out he was dead wrong. “I can’t believe this. We’ve been together nearly five months and now she does this. I had given her my heart and trust at this point and she goes and throws it all down the drain by sleeping with her fucking husband. I’m so sick of these married women treating me so wrong,” confessed…

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Local Daddy Cancels Christmas, Nation Distraught

Michael Jones Jr. (7) has not been on his best behavior this year.  Being in second grade he’s found himself seeking more independence since he is now a big boy.  The final straw for Jones senior came when little Mikey decided his father’s cigar collection would look better covered in kool aid.  Jones senior screeched in horror upon discovery and informed junior that “Christmas is canceled this year!” Senior began a rampage first throwing the entire Christmas tree onto the street still covered in lights and decorations while screaming “Santa’s fucking…

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Local Internet Pirate Pissed Off Free Movie Not Working

Jimothy Cumberbatch (27) sits in his leather computer chair, covered in tart sprinkles that have fallen from his 2lb bag of sour gummy worms, completely and entirely pissed off. “WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK.  THIS IS THE THIRD COPY I’VE DOWNLOADED.” Cumberbatch has tried all evening to download a copy of “The Fury” with Brad Pitt.  To his hindrance, each copy has a different issue.  The first download, weighing in at 1.8gb had a watermark pop up every 5 minutes proclaiming “THIS MOVIE BELONGS TO SONY PICTURE, DO NOT REPRODUCE.”  The…

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BREAKING NEWS: U.S. Sells Missouri to Syria

In an attempt to stabilize America, The three branches of government unanimously voted to sell Missouri to Syria.  “The unrest was just too much,” President Obama stated in a speech just now.  “We were going to just sell Ferguson but after a short discussion we agreed the U.S. doesn’t even need Missouri at all.” Coming within just a month of Florida separating into two states this brings the U.S. back to a 50 count.  “Thank Jesus we don’t have to print new 51 star flags! We couldn’t have asked for…

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Ferguson Police Turn to Flipping Cars & Residential Robberies

In an effort to strike back at the violent protesters, Chief Viggens of the Ferguson Police Department says they are ready to fight “fire with fire.” “They keep flipping our police cars and it’s really irritating,” Viggens tells us. “So, fuck them, arresting isn’t doing anything. We just gonna flip some cars!” By mid Tuesday morning officers had flipped a total of 12 vehicles including a red rider tricycle. “Take that you little shit bags,” proclaimed Office Gunts as he tossed the three wheeled, 25lb aluminum frame on its side.…

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