Sarasota Man Forced To Eat Spilled Canned Tuna Off Ground After Hurricane Irma

In a sad state of affairs, area man Jason Clingsworth forked his tuna a little too angrily while scooping from the can.  As half the chunks of white albacore fluttered to the ground he growled a solemn “fuck” under his breath. Being hard times and having spent his monthly grocery budget on bottled water and Fresca, Jason was forced to pick individual chunks off the kitchen floor.  The flaky bits crumbled as his thumb and forefinger ever so slightly clamped together. At press time a single tear rolled down his…

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Search On For Missing Gator Spotted Being Dragged Into Rick Scott’s Backyard

(Tallahassee, FL) Eye witnesses near the Florida Governor’s residence spotted an 8-foot, neighborhood alligator being dragged but what appeared to be a naked Rick Scott around 9:15pm last night (June 14th, 2016). The entire sequence of events is still unclear but reported to have lasted less than a minute. “That poor gator didn’t see it coming. There are signs posted to not loiter in the area as danger governor’s have been spotted, but alligators can’t read. Little guy didn’t stand a chance.” Search parties are in place and combing the…

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Locals Sick & Tired of Deer Always Taking Naps on Side of Road

“It’d be nice if I could just drive down the road one and not see some deer just sleeping there. It’s not a bed, it’s not a home it’s the damn curb!” John Makers of Myakka tells us how seriously over it he is. Every day locals see body after body just snoozing there and doing nothing. What makes it worse is they are usually on their way to work while these deadbeat deer do nothing but sleep in and mock them.

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