Alcoholic Liberals Rejoice In Excuse To Get Shitty

“I can brag about getting shitfaced on social media right now, it’s incredible.” Local liberal, Glen Bodsworth is soaking down the libations at an incredible rate since Trump was announced to win the presidency.  Liquor store sales have skyrocketed today. “I drink a lot.  Always have, probably always will.  But it’s typically by myself, in the late afternoons, at home and I don’t tell people.  I’m a high functioning alcoholic and that’s cool with me.” Glen’s not alone.  Posts all over Facebook have ranged from: “I’m gonna have to have…

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Here Comes Another Fucking Craft Beer Bar to Sarasota

Howard’s Hoptactular Hangout (“Tripel H”) is scheduled to open on Clark Rd, July 1st, 2016. Sarasotians need for overpriced malt beverages just cannot be satisfied. As all the others, Tripel H has its own schtick it will be bringing to the table. “We add fresh hops right to your beer glass, an entire handful per pour!” Owner Howie McGavin tells us. “If you aren’t scraping your tongue off with sandpaper, which we provide at every table, then we give you your money back!” Tripel H joins the ranking as the…

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Man Still Can’t Find Anything To Eat After $100 Grocery Store Trip

Bob Krimmins (34) decided enough was enough after his fifth trip to the fridge in 12 minutes.  He concernedly found nothing worth eating each time he opened the refrigerator door.  He embarked on a mission to the Winn-Dixie two minutes from his house and returned with $100.18 in fresh groceries. “Pepperoni sticks, heavy cream, butter, unsalted of course and I wanted to be healthy so I loaded up on whole pineapples, grapefruit juice and lettuce.  I got an array of hamburger helper and 5lbs of ground beef among other items.” After…

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Sarasota Bartender Remembers First Beer for 600th Time

As 10p.m. approached on Wednesday night, Local Bartender and semi-professional alcoholic Cabe Unger of Growler’s Pub on Tamiami Trail recounted the first beer he ever drank for the 600th time. Patron Jimmy Marksyn (22), a Ringling student, fell off his bar stool in front of a small audience. “I remember my first beer!” Unger exclaimed to a moderate reception of giggles and laughter. It wasn’t until Unger’s shift was over that he realized this was his 600th time bringing that awful memory back into his mind. He opened his notebook…

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Millions of 1/32 Irish Heritage Americans Gear Up to Celebrate Justified Alcoholism

Gout pills are flying off the shelf as self-proclaimed Irish Americans prepare to drown their existence in dark beer and whiskey. According the U.S. Census and a survey of the immigration records by the bureau, 98% of Americans representing the demographic are less than 1/32 Irish with the remainder made up of Native American, German, Scandanavian and West Zimbowegon genetics. Justin Malloy of Bradenton was our first run in during street interviews. “I think my Grandad’s Grandpop actually came over from Ireland. Probably on a boat since it was in…

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5 Tips to Get Laid On New Years (For Girls)

DATELINE – Sarasota, FL – New Years Eve As we close out 2014 and bring in the year of the goat (which is supposed to be an auspicious year)… Us ladies here at SRQ news, thought we would help out our fellow vaginas by giving you tips to get it on, and if you had to look up the word auspicious, like myself, good news! It means conducive to success! So bring a change of panties and some knee pads this New Years eve. 1. Have some semblance of a…

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Sarasota Police Offer Anti-DUI Program “Drunks Driving Drunks” for NYE

You can avoid getting a DUI this New Year’s Eve by utilizing a new program that was just approved by the Florida State Legislature. “Drunks Driving Drunks” is the newest free car service that will be available during what is commonly called an “amateur alcoholic holiday.” People who have pleaded guilty to DUI in 2014 have been given the option to avoid jail time and license suspension in exchange for participating in this program. The spokespeople for “Drunks Driving Drunks” are Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael. Michael told SRQnews,com that,…

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Employee with Crippling Hangover Elated to Find Everyone in Monday Morning Meeting Also Still Fucked Up from Sunday Night

John Smozier (35) of Ellington woke up Monday morning barely able to put his shoes on much less function like a normal adult.  He tells us after the liter of vodka before bed he thought it would be a good idea to “eat a few Ritalin and get ahead on some cleaning.”  Around 2:30am he had managed to clean up the empty beer cans on his desk then proceeded to dick around on the internet for an hour.  One bong rip later and he realized he was ready to black…

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Sarasota Law Enforcement’s New “One Beer” Law to Cut Down on DUI’s Backfires

A new regulation put in place by SRQ officials has completely backfired. Police campaigned for a new “One Beer” law after constant complaints by citizens that the blood alcohol level was too confusing. Many DUI recipients claimed it was nearly impossible for them to know what their BAL was without an expensive breathalyzer. In order to cut down on the excuses and help people know when it is and is not safe to drive, police had the “One Beer” law passed. The law states that one beer per hour will…

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