Hidden Tragedy: Hurricane Irma Cuts Off Drug Flow To Florida

An unreported epidemic has struck Floridians that over shadows all other tragedies brought on by Hurricane Irma.  Hundreds of thousands of Florida residents are without their much needed marijuana and adderall.  Up to 3.2 million people cannot obtain their daily doses of cocaine. With travel from north of Florida blocked up for miles and crawling slowly, state drug dealers are blocked from supplying the various outlets.  Over 80% of UPS delivery trucks are at week+ delays carrying thousands of pounds of cannabis.  These trucks also contain the state’s supply of…

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Alcoholic Liberals Rejoice In Excuse To Get Shitty

“I can brag about getting shitfaced on social media right now, it’s incredible.” Local liberal, Glen Bodsworth is soaking down the libations at an incredible rate since Trump was announced to win the presidency.  Liquor store sales have skyrocketed today. “I drink a lot.  Always have, probably always will.  But it’s typically by myself, in the late afternoons, at home and I don’t tell people.  I’m a high functioning alcoholic and that’s cool with me.” Glen’s not alone.  Posts all over Facebook have ranged from: “I’m gonna have to have…

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Area Liquor Dealer Getting A Little Too Friendly

Paul, who requested we don’t reveal his real name, has been reaching uncomfortable levels of friendliness with some of his clients. “It’s just weird when your dealer starts asking about your family.  I’m here for the goods, not to make friends,” resident James Alderbeak tells us.  Witnesses tell us Paul acts normal, meaning distant and discreet, when a new client finds him.  But over a few months, gradually, he starts finding clues about your life and referencing them like some sort of new buddy. “I had to bring my wife with me to…

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New Generation of Teens Overdosing on Designer Drugs Instead of the Classics

“When I was their age it was all reefer, shrooms, LSD and on occasion some cocaine.  These kids today… what the ever loving FUCK is 2C-I-NBOMe?” Venice resident Mark Dangerloe (57) spills the beans about the drug scene in the 70’s. “We’d go out to beach and smoke four or five doobers. Half the time we’d end up naked and tearing up some 19 year old bush. Every couple months we’d trip out on some hallucinogenics and get weird. It was a good time. If we were gonna party so hard we…

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Bill Cosby’s New Reality TV Show “Still Doable” to Feature All Past Rape Victims

It’s a simple concept, does the age show? In the new program Cosby will have a series of tests and “fun games” the previous victims must participate in to see if they’ve aged well enough to forcefully bang again or has the quality reached a point that the 77-year-old’s pecker stays flaccid.  “Sometimes even viagra can’t get the boogly boo up and leaves it a jibbly jell-o flesh tube.” Cosby says the rape clause in the TV contract is very clear what the victims are getting themselves into but for…

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Local Stoner Set to Vote for Amendment 2 this Tuesday

Area weed smoker, Markus Denson, is all geared up to cast his vote on Tuesday. Two weeks since the rest of Florida went to the ballot box, Denson is confident we can win this thing. “Just doing my part for the greater good,” he tells us. “I have a pain in my shoulder that weed really helps with, you know, so I’d like to get a prescription. Because, I mean, dude, it’s just a plant you know? How can you make plants illegal? Not cool, man, not cool at all.”…

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Area Woman Disappointed in Lack of House Party Scene

East Sarasota – It’s Friday and you know what that means?! Nothing, for Sarasota local Jessica Sway. “I don’t really want to go to bars every night, it would be great if my friends could throw a house party once in a while.” Jessica explained the benefits of house parties to me including cheaper alcohol, more drugs, and “bon fires with people taking turns playing acoustic guitar” Putting into perspective why we here at SRQNews prefer bars. After speaking to Jessica further on why she herself wouldn’t host a house…

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Area Man Promises Self to Get His Shit Together by 35

John Frangrese (32) invites us over for an intimate interview to discuss what lies ahead in the life of this early 30’s loser. It’s not uncommon to find late-twenties “Johns” in and around college towns. They tend to spend a year or two in an entry level corporate position after graduating from five or six years of college with a Marketing degree. As research has shown, they end up getting fired or quitting to “start my own business!” But what really happens is they find a server or delivery job…

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Sarasota Police Post Facebook Picture Showing they Don’t Know How to Grammar

They have since deleted their post after we published this article. The powerpoint slide read as follows: GOOD NEW Research has show how high quality police firearms training seem to do just this – unlink the stereotypes we associate with groups. They left us comments on our Facebook page via their Facebook page which can be seen here: Post by SRQNews.com.

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Scientist Find Correlation Between Fear of Salt Water & Medical Marijuana

The results of the mid-term election are in and one of the biggest surprises was Amendment 2 failing to pass. After all the voting districts had reported, a glance at the colored map made it clear to see where the predominance of “no” votes occurred. With the exception of Collier County, whose most famous resident is Ray Finkle, all coastal counties in Florida had a majority of “yes” votes. Scientists point towards a correlation between fears of salt water and medicinal marijuana. The campaign in favor of medicinal marijuana was…

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