Miss Universe Fuck Up Makes 90% of World Aware It Exists

While the majority of the world and nearly all of the Universe were busy with their nightly routines, Steve Harvey managed to completely crush a young woman’s dreams this week as he ‘accidentally’ incorrectly announced her as the winner of the Miss Universe 2015 pageant. The majority of the population would have happily continued into 2016 without a clue the beauty competition even existed. Thanks to three times married, cheating, low-life Harvey, we all have to suffer a week of exhausting Facebook notifications and memes with his terrible face all…

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SRQ News Exclusive: First Interview with Black & Blue Dress

I, Bambi, hopped a barge to Scotland first thing last night when I saw the dress incident forming online. I managed to get a sit-down with the dress this morning. Here’s what I learned: BAMBI: Hi, thank you for taking the time to answer some questions. Obviously you’ve become quite the internet sensation over night. Before getting to the hard hitting questions, how are you taking this all in? DRESS: It is so unexpected. I’ve never in my life asked for this kind of attention. I’m honestly still in shock…

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Local Office Employee Oblivious Everyone Can Tell He Wears Same Pants Every Day

Chris Bartholomew (29) is completely okay with wearing the same pants, unwashed, every day of the work week.  He usually does laundry every three weeks or so and has three pairs of work pants.  To him, the math just adds up and it makes perfect sense.  His co-workers who are in all reality disgusted when they see the same pair of khakis with the stain from Monday still on them, just won’t tell him they are in the know. According to receptionist Jenevine, “we talk about it amongst ourselves, but no…

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Opinion: 11 Holiday Tips to Get You Laid (For Men)

Stop being a pussy Seriously, this is the #1 reason you are not getting laid.  Put on your confidence pants and talk to women.  Did you know that human males release a pheromone that naturally wets panties? It comes from a gland that is activated by self-respect.  Man up. Don’t eat so much fucking food Jesus, you’ve put on 10lbs in November alone.  You look disgusting in clothes and we can’t even imagine what the full nude nightmare must be.  Don’t fucking eat so much, cocaine is an excellent way…

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Local Freelance Social Media Consultant & Strategic Development Implementer Getting Gigs Thanks to Super Long Title

Cody “The Synergizer” McNabb is doing pretty awesome for a freelancer in the new media industry.  He tells us he’s on the brink of making six digits for 2014.  His secret? “It’s all in the title, baby.” He explains to SRQNews, “Look, nobody understands Facebook and Pinterest and how to use them for marketing and building business and brand awareness.  It’s a game, you have to find the synergy between your product or service and the digital outlets you choose to cater.  There must be demographic targeting strategies, market research,…

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Myakka Man Shaves Mullet, Still Sleeps with Sister

In a grave attempt to kill the incest, local sister-lover Jaxon T. McDonough (37) shaved his 21 year-old mullet. “I’s sersly better buds wit my mullet den my lil’ sis, but pastor keeps on a sayin’ I gots to stop given her thuh ol’ rooster. Dona wanna burn in Hell.” Pastor Mark Sumtner tells us he just wants to “help the boy stop sinning. He comes to church every Sunday asking for forgiveness, but it needs to end.” Sumtner felt if Jaxon could try and change some things about himself…

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Local Woman Hints Christmas List to Husband

Area alcoholic soccer-mom and loving wife, Janice Liebers, has been making subtle hints to her husband about what she would like for Christmas. “I’m just trying to get the hint out there, hehe, couple of things I’ve been wanting. Can’t wait to be surprised!” Janice left her husband Jerry a sweet note early Monday morning. It was a print out featuring a 2015 Tahoe circled in hand-drawn hearts. At the bottom it reads: “I’ll fucking leave you if this isn’t in the drive-way Christmas morning.” Jerry, a successful banker in…

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Sarasota Police Post Facebook Picture Showing they Don’t Know How to Grammar

They have since deleted their post after we published this article. The powerpoint slide read as follows: GOOD NEW Research has show how high quality police firearms training seem to do just this – unlink the stereotypes we associate with groups. They left us comments on our Facebook page via their Facebook page which can be seen here: Post by SRQNews.com.

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Area 30-Somethings Not Realizing Cargo Shorts and Wallet Chains Out of Style

It’s baffling to residents in their 20’s and 40’s how those in their 30’s hold onto a dead style in the SRQ area. It’s a phenomenon not seen in many regions. The butchering of style is primarily found in the late 30’s age group but trickles down as low as 32. Brandon Ferguson, 36, is a paper salesman at Sarasota Chemical and Paper Supply. While light blue jeans and a polo shirt are his work attire, “As soon as I get home I slip on my cargos” he tells us.…

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