Hidden Tragedy: Hurricane Irma Cuts Off Drug Flow To Florida

An unreported epidemic has struck Floridians that over shadows all other tragedies brought on by Hurricane Irma.  Hundreds of thousands of Florida residents are without their much needed marijuana and adderall.  Up to 3.2 million people cannot obtain their daily doses of cocaine. With travel from north of Florida blocked up for miles and crawling slowly, state drug dealers are blocked from supplying the various outlets.  Over 80% of UPS delivery trucks are at week+ delays carrying thousands of pounds of cannabis.  These trucks also contain the state’s supply of…

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Search On For Missing Gator Spotted Being Dragged Into Rick Scott’s Backyard

(Tallahassee, FL) Eye witnesses near the Florida Governor’s residence spotted an 8-foot, neighborhood alligator being dragged but what appeared to be a naked Rick Scott around 9:15pm last night (June 14th, 2016). The entire sequence of events is still unclear but reported to have lasted less than a minute. “That poor gator didn’t see it coming. There are signs posted to not loiter in the area as danger governor’s have been spotted, but alligators can’t read. Little guy didn’t stand a chance.” Search parties are in place and combing the…

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Local Man Wrongly Assumes No One Knows It Was His Fart Stinking Up Entire Office

Kevin Davenport (36) ate an entire bag of sugar-free peanut butter cups Monday night in an attempt to lose the 30lbs he put on over the holidays. Unfortunatley the sugar alcohols which replace the calorie robust cane sugar in normal candy can cause anal leakage as the fine print states on each bag. Davenport managed to squeeze out a long, but silent fart into his office chair which quickly enveloped his cubicle. In attempt to save face he walked away to use the water fountain but upon returning he realized…

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Local Daddy Cancels Christmas, Nation Distraught

Michael Jones Jr. (7) has not been on his best behavior this year.  Being in second grade he’s found himself seeking more independence since he is now a big boy.  The final straw for Jones senior came when little Mikey decided his father’s cigar collection would look better covered in kool aid.  Jones senior screeched in horror upon discovery and informed junior that “Christmas is canceled this year!” Senior began a rampage first throwing the entire Christmas tree onto the street still covered in lights and decorations while screaming “Santa’s fucking…

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Area Man Realizes Most Morning FB Posts are GIddy and Insincere After Coffee Wears Off

ELLENTON, FL – Local Resident PJ Heimerdinger has what you may call a nasty habit, every weekday morning at 8am he chugs 5 cups of extra strong black coffee and hits the Facebook. “I need that boost in the mornings, its not as bad as it seems, my tolerance is 3 cups, so I need that much just to get back to normal” In and of itself this does not seem like a huge issue.. Studies show 4 in 20 Americans struggle with caffeine abuse, but what ensues on the…

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Area Premature Ejaculator Has Post-Sex Apology Down Pat

“It used to be embarrassing but now it’s routine,” were the first words out of Jerry Jones mouth in our one-on-one interview this morning. “The ladies like me, it’s easy to get them in the sack, but I like to cum so when I feel it I just let it out.” Jerry doesn’t have a girlfriend and he never has. He’s a self-described lone wolf, always on the prowl for a quick “meal.” He tells us he typically lasts three to four minutes, but what we found out when we…

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Myakka Man Shaves Mullet, Still Sleeps with Sister

In a grave attempt to kill the incest, local sister-lover Jaxon T. McDonough (37) shaved his 21 year-old mullet. “I’s sersly better buds wit my mullet den my lil’ sis, but pastor keeps on a sayin’ I gots to stop given her thuh ol’ rooster. Dona wanna burn in Hell.” Pastor Mark Sumtner tells us he just wants to “help the boy stop sinning. He comes to church every Sunday asking for forgiveness, but it needs to end.” Sumtner felt if Jaxon could try and change some things about himself…

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Local Woman Hints Christmas List to Husband

Area alcoholic soccer-mom and loving wife, Janice Liebers, has been making subtle hints to her husband about what she would like for Christmas. “I’m just trying to get the hint out there, hehe, couple of things I’ve been wanting. Can’t wait to be surprised!” Janice left her husband Jerry a sweet note early Monday morning. It was a print out featuring a 2015 Tahoe circled in hand-drawn hearts. At the bottom it reads: “I’ll fucking leave you if this isn’t in the drive-way Christmas morning.” Jerry, a successful banker in…

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Sarasota Government Officials Re-thinking Snow Bird Open Season Hunting Licenses

After dozens of reports concerning the snow bird population being seen randomly strolling the beaches of Lido Key and Siesta Key at odd hours of the morning, local officials have put hunting licenses back on the table. “The population is getting out of control during the migration months. We fear environmental impact based on research from the University of South Florida which shows very strong results favoring a potential imbalance if the growth continues,” says Commissioner Blankie. The current bill proposes a tag lottery system where 1500 tags will be…

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National Child Care Association (NCCA) Awards iPhone 6 with Best Baby Sitter Award for 2014

As more and more parents realize they don’t want to interact with their children, the iPhone, specifically the iPhone 6, has been stepping up to the plate. “My child is an investment, we all know that. All us parents that is. Baby-talk, playing puzzles, that’s kid shit and we are so happy to have the new large screen iPhone 6 in our life. It’s so good with the kid,” says father Humphrey McGuire a Bradenton resident with two last names. The iPhone 5 has taken the news pretty bad saying…

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