Sarasota Man Forced To Eat Spilled Canned Tuna Off Ground After Hurricane Irma

In a sad state of affairs, area man Jason Clingsworth forked his tuna a little too angrily while scooping from the can.  As half the chunks of white albacore fluttered to the ground he growled a solemn “fuck” under his breath. Being hard times and having spent his monthly grocery budget on bottled water and Fresca, Jason was forced to pick individual chunks off the kitchen floor.  The flaky bits crumbled as his thumb and forefinger ever so slightly clamped together. At press time a single tear rolled down his…

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New Daiquiri Deck To Open On Stilts Just Off Siesta Beach

Just a day after opening their Stickney Point location over the south Siesta bridge, Daiquiri Deck owners announce a new location to be built right off shore. “We opened our newest location three stories high to give diners a better view of the key’s beaches.  Now we want to open one on the water to give a view of the key itself!” the owners excitedly told us. To get to the bar and dining room patrons will need to swim 30 yards out into the gulf and climb a ladder.…

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Local Luxury Restaurant Experiments

In a shocking display of risk taking, Mattison’s has decided to take a step outside the luxury menu comfort zone.  Studies have shown all luxury restaurants share the same menu: Pile of Lettuce w/ Shitty Vinegarette “Soup” Steak & Lobster with Potatoes Steak with Asparagus Seared Tuna with Asparagus Shrimp and/or Mussels with Asparagus Roasted Chicken with Asparagus & Potatoes Creme Brulee Chocolate Cake Cumming Fudge Lava Mattison’s has recently announced they will be adding sous vide chicken nuggets to their dinner menu.  A representative tells us ‘the nuggets are…

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Navigating Parking Lot of Chipotle Across From SMH During Lunch to Become Olympic Sport

The Olympic Global Committee unanimously agreed on Tuesday to allow navigating the parking lot of Chipotle on US41 during snow bird season at lunch time to be an official category in the PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics.  Entrants will be flown from South Korea for three days to participate. This is a landmark in the Olympics as it will be the first automobile based sport since the 1900 Olympics when it was technically unofficial but still considered.  The commmittee explains the maneuvering and coordination needed in hand, feet, eyes and brain allows…

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Man Still Can’t Find Anything To Eat After $100 Grocery Store Trip

Bob Krimmins (34) decided enough was enough after his fifth trip to the fridge in 12 minutes.  He concernedly found nothing worth eating each time he opened the refrigerator door.  He embarked on a mission to the Winn-Dixie two minutes from his house and returned with $100.18 in fresh groceries. “Pepperoni sticks, heavy cream, butter, unsalted of course and I wanted to be healthy so I loaded up on whole pineapples, grapefruit juice and lettuce.  I got an array of hamburger helper and 5lbs of ground beef among other items.” After…

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Salaried Slacker Doughs It Up

In attempt to save face and continue doing absolutely nothing at his job, Joseph McCallister spends $7 every morning to bring a dozen doughnuts to the office. Every single day two or three co-workers stop by his cubicle and thank him. “I just needed a doughnut this morning. Thanks, Joe!” “I really shouldn’t, but I’m gonna grab one of those. Thanks so much!” “I barely ever crave doughnuts but today it just hit the spot. You’re the best!” Joe’s co-workers continue to grow more love for the guy every week,…

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Office Worker Fears Receptionist Judging His Office Candy Bowl Habits

James Keaney (32) works as a marketing assistant for Boch Branding, Inc.  The organization leaves a bowl of mixed miniature candy bars on the receptionist’s desk for guests and staff alike to help themselves to.  The company leaders claim it’s small things like this that help keep spirits up and clients comfortable.  Unfortunately it’s doing the opposite for Keaney. Keaney finds an excuse between 9 and 10a.m. to walk past the receptionists area.  Usually this involves grabbing a soda from the coke machine in the main lobby.  On his way…

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