REPORT: Muslims Unsure How to Deal With Pokémon Go Distracting Them From Ruining Society

“It’s an American conspiracy,” says an Islamic official out front of the Sarasota mosque on Lockwood Ridge. “They convinced the Japanese to create a game that they knew would completely distract us from our goal of smothering Christian culture and striking regular fear into American minds.” The new augmented reality mobile app has taken the population’s attention from every day tasks.  People are distracted from work, family and even zealot religious missions by the Rattatas spawning in their neighbor’s yard. The first debates began as accidents were being reported within…

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Sarasota Officials Install Laser Beam System to Control Traffic on Tamiami Trail

The new traffic control system from ARLAZ Enterprises has been contracted by SRQ officials to help handle the out of control traffic situation on Highway 41 from North Venice to Bradenton. The towers installed near busy intersections detect drivers who are actively using a handheld, mobile device while driving as well as slow drivers. “It’s illegal to drive more than 15 mph under the speed limit and these drivers are causing massive delays in residents getting anywhere.” Explains traffic patrol officer Gruntz. The lasers are designed to cause minimal damage…

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Local Local Can’t Stop Getting His Local On

James Albridge of the Gulf Gate area has been localling it hard for a few years now.  Having moved to Sarasota in 2009 he didn’t really feel it was his home until around 2011 when he moved into his 3rd rental and got a raise at his job filing insurance claims.  At this time he also had a small group of friends and a potential girlfriend. Now, in 2015, he has reached a level of comfort in Sarasota known by few.  He has embraced the deepest aspects of being a…

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Area Broken Baby Changing Station Converting Infants to Deformed Humanoid Monsters

The baby changing station at the Sears women’s bathroom in Bradenton was reported to facilities as broken last Friday.  Maintenance failure to put yellow “Do Not Use” tape on the contraption has produced horrifying results.  The changing stations malfunctioning has caused a swarm of infants to be converted into ruthless, man-eating, baby mutants.  A group lawsuit has been filed by the parents and victims.  Sears is expected to settle out of court.

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CEO, CTO and CMO All Pretty Sure It’s The CFO Getting Piss All Over Corporate Executive Suite Bathroom Floor

Barnes & Peabody Inc. Executives Maynard, Barnes & Peabody are pretty confident in their assumption. They rallied over early morning coffee at the local Dunkin Donuts for a final discussion about the large puddles of piss surrounding the shitter in their executive suite on the 9th floor of the Harmon Building in downtown Sarasota. “We’ve all been keeping eyes on the flow of bathroom traffic as best we can but no one has definitive evidence it’s Todd,” Maynard the Chief Marketing Officer tells us. “But we are all livid and…

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SRQ Home Explosion Owner Revealed As Wile E.C. III Esq., Cause of Explosion Discovered [EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS]

Mr. Wile was just starting his car in his garage when an explosion occurred that not only killed him but blew the roof off his house and sent his garage door flying across the street into the neighbor’s. Many in the neighborhood believed a plane had crashed as their houses rumbled and giant flames leaped into the air. But evidence now points to foul play. Suspected is Wile’s long time nemesis, Rod Runar. Rod, an Arizona desert transplant, was once quasi-famous for being a professional track sprinter. How he and…

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475 Year Long Study Reveals 68% of Religions Are Fake

Belgian scientist, Jargo Jingleheims, spent the last few centuries dedicated to a research project that has finally been published as of today.  According to the double-blind placebo trials, decades of artifact findings, the many sit-downs with God and Vishnu and 1000’s of experiments, nearly 70% of the world’s religions are fake. “It’s not easy learning your life’s core belief system is just made up.  We released the results today and now we sit and watch the responses.  I have a feeling a lot of people will just continue on blindly following…

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Local Four Year Old Leads Manhunt for Lost Mickey Doll

Last seen in daddy’s car around 1pm on Monday, the search continues and fears for the worse grow bigger.  MacKenzie Washington (4) out of Naples is leading the search.  Even at night she has a team combing the forest with her out front using her new bumble bee flashlight that Santa brought her for Christmas. When probed about her thoughts on where he could be she answered us, “I don’t know where Mickey is.  He’s lost.  I don’t know where he is.”  The sincerity of her worry is prevalent in…

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Local Man Decides to Forgo Worldly Possessions, Takes Different Path to Become Pretentious Asshole

After a long struggle through his early and mid twenties to understand life and himself, former decent guy Kevin Korgon (28) has found the true meaning of existence.  Once being a typical good friend and slightly above average lover, Korgon had a small existential crisis.  He realized he was only giving about 80% at work which lead to a self analyzation.  He became concerned about his habits which included often having four or five beers on a week night and dabbling in marijuana.  His girlfriend was just not up to…

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Area Mothers “Sick and Tired” of Gravity Being Forced on Their Children

Moms across the bay area are grouping together and causing quite the stir.  Their group is know as MAG (Mothers Against Gravity) and there goal: no one is really sure. The spokeslady for the group is Miss Janice Peabody from Arcadia.  In an off camera interview with SRQNews.com, Peabody tells us “I’ve had it up to my neck with this gravity oppression.  Schools are allowing our children to constantly have this force shoved down their throats.  Don’t float here, don’t float there, it’s a disgusting practice that needs to stop.…

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