Alcoholic Liberals Rejoice In Excuse To Get Shitty

“I can brag about getting shitfaced on social media right now, it’s incredible.” Local liberal, Glen Bodsworth is soaking down the libations at an incredible rate since Trump was announced to win the presidency.  Liquor store sales have skyrocketed today. “I drink a lot.  Always have, probably always will.  But it’s typically by myself, in the late afternoons, at home and I don’t tell people.  I’m a high functioning alcoholic and that’s cool with me.” Glen’s not alone.  Posts all over Facebook have ranged from: “I’m gonna have to have…

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Dumbass Kid On Bike Not Looking Both Ways Hit By Car, Dies

Morgan Mitchell was simply trying to eat and catch up on emails during his commute before jumping back into the rat race we call work. When suddenly, this most-likely retarded child on a shitty-ass huffy bike his low-life, chain smoking mother probably stole for him decides to just casually ride across the street into traffic. At 1:30pm EMTs pronounced the moronic result of inbreeding officially dead.

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Gulf Gate Publix Becomes Newest Breeding Ground For The Living Dead

Early Sunday morning investigators discovered the latest breeding ground for Sarasota’s living dead. The Publix located at the corner of 41 and Clark was swamped with slow walking, apparently dead humans. The troup was mostly walking into the Publix with a small portion apparently confused on what exactly they were doing which led to them standing still in the middle of the traffic lanes. Shockingly, we learned there were a few of these beings driving cars. Where they came from or why they chose Sarasota and this particular Publix is…

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New App Tells You If You Are Dead Or Not

It’s a simple concept but no one has been able to pull it off … until now. HuB Studios of Sarasota has teamed up with religious communities from around the world to generate an algorithm so complex it can tell the user if he or she is still alive. “It wasn’t easy but when it finally clicked for our programmers it just made sense. Basically if you can open the app, you are alive. Like we said, simple answer, but finding that answer… that was the real challenge,” a spokesperson…

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Guy You Met at Growlers Once Still Masturbating to Your Facebook Photos Two Years Later

That guy you met that one time at Growlers on a Tuesday night? Yea, you probably shouldn’t have friended him on Facebook. We get it, you were a bit drunk, it’s dark in there and he seemed like he could be decent looking.  You talked for five minutes about the band on the radio you both had recently discovered but the conversation soon faded into awkward mouth breathing and looking around the room. You got a friend request from him soon after leaving.  You didn’t even take the time to…

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5 Tips to Get Laid On New Years (For Girls)

DATELINE – Sarasota, FL – New Years Eve As we close out 2014 and bring in the year of the goat (which is supposed to be an auspicious year)… Us ladies here at SRQ news, thought we would help out our fellow vaginas by giving you tips to get it on, and if you had to look up the word auspicious, like myself, good news! It means conducive to success! So bring a change of panties and some knee pads this New Years eve. 1. Have some semblance of a…

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Employee with Crippling Hangover Elated to Find Everyone in Monday Morning Meeting Also Still Fucked Up from Sunday Night

John Smozier (35) of Ellington woke up Monday morning barely able to put his shoes on much less function like a normal adult.  He tells us after the liter of vodka before bed he thought it would be a good idea to “eat a few Ritalin and get ahead on some cleaning.”  Around 2:30am he had managed to clean up the empty beer cans on his desk then proceeded to dick around on the internet for an hour.  One bong rip later and he realized he was ready to black…

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STUDY: Research shows 4 in 5 Americans Suffer from Diarrhea, 1 in 5 Enjoy It

Researchers have found that all Americans regularly have the runs thanks to the changes in food and diet over the past ten years.  The conclusion shows it’s not exactly unhealthy to have the squirts, but most people do not enjoy it. Study subjects showed very similar descriptions when filling out the scientific surveys.  80% of Americans used terms such as “burning, itchy, raw, cramps” and “sloppy” to explain how they suffered from the gastro-intestinal mishap.  But what researchers found to be incredible and a bit shocking, the other 20% didn’t…

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BREAKING NEWS: Juggling Outbreak in Sarasota Parking Lots

County officials are recommending residents do not leave their house while the outbreak is not contained.  Containment efforts are currently in full operation.  The National Guard has been called in and they are finding World War II military flame throwers to be the best tool for flushing them out. The first report came in late last night.  A middle aged man was spotted in the parking lot of Evie’s on Bee Ridge.  He was apparently juggling four grapefruits in nothing but a bathrobe while laughing manically. By 11:00 a.m. there have…

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