Area Man Leaves Same Emotionless Birthday Message On All Friend Walls

Each morning John Clenhart goes straight to his Facebook to see who is celebrating a birthday.  Thanks to the handy tool provided by Facebook he’s able to go through all of them sequentially without changing pages. “happy birthday.” he writes 2, 3 occasionally 5+ times a day. “The lack of capital letters show I care enough about the social agenda tied to birthdays on social media but not enough give any enthusiasm.  The period drills it in.” Clenhart goes on to explain there’s a subtle balance in being a part…

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Apparition Formerly Known As Prince Has Eyes On Siesta Key Property

Celebrities sure seem to love the Sarasota coast.  From Stephen King & Jerry Springer taking up permanent residence to vacation home flockers such as Mila Kunis and Drew Barrymore, the A-list is often present in our slice of paradise. The rumors always float around when someone picks up the news a new celebrity may be moving to town.  But, we have from solid sources that the spiritual presence of the artist formerly-alive known as Prince has signed a contract pending property inspection on the southern end of Siesta Key.  The…

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Millions of 1/32 Irish Heritage Americans Gear Up to Celebrate Justified Alcoholism

Gout pills are flying off the shelf as self-proclaimed Irish Americans prepare to drown their existence in dark beer and whiskey. According the U.S. Census and a survey of the immigration records by the bureau, 98% of Americans representing the demographic are less than 1/32 Irish with the remainder made up of Native American, German, Scandanavian and West Zimbowegon genetics. Justin Malloy of Bradenton was our first run in during street interviews. “I think my Grandad’s Grandpop actually came over from Ireland. Probably on a boat since it was in…

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5 Tips to Get Laid On New Years (For Girls)

DATELINE – Sarasota, FL – New Years Eve As we close out 2014 and bring in the year of the goat (which is supposed to be an auspicious year)… Us ladies here at SRQ news, thought we would help out our fellow vaginas by giving you tips to get it on, and if you had to look up the word auspicious, like myself, good news! It means conducive to success! So bring a change of panties and some knee pads this New Years eve. 1. Have some semblance of a…

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Area Father Wonders Which Child Will Be Biggest Disappointment at Christmas this Year

Sarasota dad, Lawrence Fizburn is expecting all four sons to come for Christmas this year. As tradition goes, he’s curious which child of his will be the biggest disappointment this year. “In 2013 it was Jerry, he got black out drunk on pineapple moonshine and tried to convince his mother that being a high functioning alcoholic is actually better for a family than being sober. His arguments may have been good but he was slurring so bad we could only make out a couple words,” Lawrence explained. “He doesn’t have…

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Local Patriot Has Entire 10 Year Catalog of Funny Eagle Wrapping Paper

“I’ve been collecting since it came out in 1994,” Frank Abado (53) tells us. “Something just struck me about it when I saw it in the bargain bin at K-Mart.  I chuckled and I love America, it just made sense to get it.  When I went back the next year, they had two kinds of funny eagle wrapping paper.” Frank doesn’t even take them out of the shrink wrap.  He’s confident the full collection in perfect condition will be a valuable inheritance for his children.  “Yea, sure, I could leave…

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Local Daddy Cancels Christmas, Nation Distraught

Michael Jones Jr. (7) has not been on his best behavior this year.  Being in second grade he’s found himself seeking more independence since he is now a big boy.  The final straw for Jones senior came when little Mikey decided his father’s cigar collection would look better covered in kool aid.  Jones senior screeched in horror upon discovery and informed junior that “Christmas is canceled this year!” Senior began a rampage first throwing the entire Christmas tree onto the street still covered in lights and decorations while screaming “Santa’s fucking…

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Area Man Thinks it’s About Time to Plug In Tree He Never Took Down Last Year

Randy Jonsenbaur (47) is feeling the Christmas tingle.  With Thanksgiving behind and a few more pounds on us, the titillation is in the air.  Randy tells SRQNews he’s one of those “kooky dads that gets a little too into the season.  I tend to go overboard a bit hehe.” Randy saves money buy keeping a lot of the Christmas decorations from previous years.  He says when the lights are on you can’t really tell the tree is over a year old. “Still got some leftover eggnog from a couple years…

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