President Trump Says He Will Retire to Sarasota When Impeached

Prefacing the Comey Testimony on Wed at 10am EDT, President Trump has claimed he will be moving his home base to Sarasota, Florida when impeached.  The President was given market research showing his support in the community was higher among the primary resident demographic of 60 years old and over individuals than any other city in the country. A White House official tells us the POTUS was shocked to learn it beat the obvious, openly racist and fundamentally backwards religious towns such as Mesa, Arizona and Oklahoma City. Above all he was…

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Alcoholic Liberals Rejoice In Excuse To Get Shitty

“I can brag about getting shitfaced on social media right now, it’s incredible.” Local liberal, Glen Bodsworth is soaking down the libations at an incredible rate since Trump was announced to win the presidency.  Liquor store sales have skyrocketed today. “I drink a lot.  Always have, probably always will.  But it’s typically by myself, in the late afternoons, at home and I don’t tell people.  I’m a high functioning alcoholic and that’s cool with me.” Glen’s not alone.  Posts all over Facebook have ranged from: “I’m gonna have to have…

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Jesus Casts Last Minute Vote To Swing Presidency

He’s racist, bigoted, hateful and arrogant.  He’s all of these things openly.  But at the end of the day, I’m Jesus and I just can’t let women make their own decisions regarding their bodies.  I don’t even think it’s wrong to have an abortion before the heart starts beating, but as the creator of Heaven & Earth and the star character of the Bible, I have expectations to live up to and I can’t vote for a woman or a pro-choicer. Sorry America, I fucked up.

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REPORT: Muslims Unsure How to Deal With Pokémon Go Distracting Them From Ruining Society

“It’s an American conspiracy,” says an Islamic official out front of the Sarasota mosque on Lockwood Ridge. “They convinced the Japanese to create a game that they knew would completely distract us from our goal of smothering Christian culture and striking regular fear into American minds.” The new augmented reality mobile app has taken the population’s attention from every day tasks.  People are distracted from work, family and even zealot religious missions by the Rattatas spawning in their neighbor’s yard. The first debates began as accidents were being reported within…

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Florida Bans Small Guns

After intense debates into the late hours on Wednesday night, Florida officials have sped legislative bill H.R.1509.IH through the law making tunnels and passed it with a decent margin of support.  Debates were primarily over what specifics defined a “small gun.” Once the bill becomes active in early August, all Florida residents will be required to turn in any firearm that can’t fire more than 8 rounds before reloading.  All who comply will receive a complimentary M1911 pistol in return. Other banned specifications include: Too much recoil Not semi or fully automatic Doesn’t…

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Following Initial Success with Donald Gould, Sarasota Commissioner Vows To Hire More Actors To Portray Talented Bums Around Town

Calling Gould a “trial run,” SRQ Commissioner Chapman says the incredible viral success has paid off and they plan to pursue the initiative further. “It was one of those brainstorming session ideas that just really seemed to stand out. Gould gave an award winning performance. It really tugged at people’s hearts.” Gould, a renowned stage actor in Des Moines says he believes this was his best performance ever. “I truly felt like I was embracing this drugged out, homeless, dead-beat father’s soul. I was him. I felt his pain and…

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Local Blow Job Cures World Hunger, Ends Global Warming And May Run For President

In an unprecendented state of affairs, a blow job occured late in the evening Thursday night that has solved 75% of the world’s problems. No one understands the power behind such a magnificent event until it swept joy and positive energy across the globe. As it stands, there is an expected Presidential candidate announcement from said blow job. In an early morning online poll, results are showing a landslide win if the BJ does enter the race for the White House.

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SRQ Officials Install ‘Seconds Since Last Accident’ Billboard on I-75 to Promote Safer Driving

In order to ease traffic and promote more alert driving on the Manasota stretch of I-75, officials have installed a billboard displaying the amount of seconds passed since the last accident. Council Chairman James Vanderbanks tells us, “We had to do something. The accidents have been getting out of hand and this is one of many efforts we will be making to clear that up.” Apparently the record since installing the new billboard has been 380 seconds which is an improvement over the previous three month numbers. At press time…

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Apple Releases Top Five Request Made to Siri Nationwide

By request of the California Research Commission, Apple has complied and turned over the top Siri requests to a publicy funded research group. Thanks to public records our journalists were able to get a copy. Below are the top 5 requests people have made to Siri using their Apple mobile products ranging from iPhone to iPad. 5. (782,003 times in 2014) – “Siri, why is she such a bitch?” 4. (812,894 times in 2014) – “Siri, why does Obama hate me?” 3. (3,896,120 times in 2014) – “Siri, is two…

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Four Year Investigation Uncovers Sarasota Government Officials Actually White Walkers

Nearly half a decade of research has found that the Sarasota government is actually made up of Game of Throne’s white walkers as opposed to what was originally believed to just be old people.  They wear suits and refrain from killing every one in their path in order to allow themselves be disguised as crotchety blue hairs. How they managed to make it to Sarasota without being noticed and then raise to the ranks of law makers and officials is unclear at this time.  The fact that Westeros and the…

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