God Still Trying To Forget Time Spent Designing Human Digestive System

His Holy Eminence is constantly haunted of the days he spent designing the digestive tract and butthole during the creation of humans. “I must design them in my image, that was the goal, but I don’t have an asshole.  I don’t shit.  I don’t get hemorrhoids.  Those days were very stressful and mentally draining.” The Lord God our Creator shares with the media. As the holidays roll through His Greatness feels far too many people stressing on the toilet.  He hears the grunts, the strain, the prayers “please god make…

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Jesus Casts Last Minute Vote To Swing Presidency

He’s racist, bigoted, hateful and arrogant.  He’s all of these things openly.  But at the end of the day, I’m Jesus and I just can’t let women make their own decisions regarding their bodies.  I don’t even think it’s wrong to have an abortion before the heart starts beating, but as the creator of Heaven & Earth and the star character of the Bible, I have expectations to live up to and I can’t vote for a woman or a pro-choicer. Sorry America, I fucked up.

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Local Woman Runs Out Of Men, Turns To Jesus

After years of sleeping her way through every social circle in the Manasota area, local Barbie McFerguson has run out of men and turned to the son of God. “You just can’t find a good man in this town.  I’ve been through them all.  Every time I wake up naked in different bed sheets I think to myself, this could be the one.  But now, I realize, there is only one and his bed is in Heaven and now in my heart.” Barbie has been frequenting the Emmanuel Holy Trinity…

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New App Tells You If You Are Dead Or Not

It’s a simple concept but no one has been able to pull it off … until now. HuB Studios of Sarasota has teamed up with religious communities from around the world to generate an algorithm so complex it can tell the user if he or she is still alive. “It wasn’t easy but when it finally clicked for our programmers it just made sense. Basically if you can open the app, you are alive. Like we said, simple answer, but finding that answer… that was the real challenge,” a spokesperson…

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475 Year Long Study Reveals 68% of Religions Are Fake

Belgian scientist, Jargo Jingleheims, spent the last few centuries dedicated to a research project that has finally been published as of today.  According to the double-blind placebo trials, decades of artifact findings, the many sit-downs with God and Vishnu and 1000’s of experiments, nearly 70% of the world’s religions are fake. “It’s not easy learning your life’s core belief system is just made up.  We released the results today and now we sit and watch the responses.  I have a feeling a lot of people will just continue on blindly following…

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Local Man Decides to Forgo Worldly Possessions, Takes Different Path to Become Pretentious Asshole

After a long struggle through his early and mid twenties to understand life and himself, former decent guy Kevin Korgon (28) has found the true meaning of existence.  Once being a typical good friend and slightly above average lover, Korgon had a small existential crisis.  He realized he was only giving about 80% at work which lead to a self analyzation.  He became concerned about his habits which included often having four or five beers on a week night and dabbling in marijuana.  His girlfriend was just not up to…

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Area Mothers “Sick and Tired” of Gravity Being Forced on Their Children

Moms across the bay area are grouping together and causing quite the stir.  Their group is know as MAG (Mothers Against Gravity) and there goal: no one is really sure. The spokeslady for the group is Miss Janice Peabody from Arcadia.  In an off camera interview with SRQNews.com, Peabody tells us “I’ve had it up to my neck with this gravity oppression.  Schools are allowing our children to constantly have this force shoved down their throats.  Don’t float here, don’t float there, it’s a disgusting practice that needs to stop.…

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Studies Show God Gave Up on Earth, Started New Planet 1900 Years Ago

Researchers in Helsinki have found a planet off the cusp of galaxy 9658-b1 that they have named Orca 510c.  According to their calculations it was brought into existence nearly 1900 years ago (Earth time).  This planet is millions of years younger than any other planet known to exist.  Baffling the scientists they turned to God. Apparently God said he gave up on this creation nearly two millennial ago.  “Humans turned into a bunch of losers way quicker than I would’ve ever imagined.  Look at Sodom and Gomorrah, that place was…

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Local Church Taking Advantage of Gay Marriage Ruling

As of January 6th, it will be legal for same sex couples to get married in Florida. This is has been an issue where many churches and politicians have been staunch opponents. It seems as if some have had a change of heart. While Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi hasn’t fully admitted defeat, she is no longer standing in the way of county clerks issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples. Others are taking a more practical approach to this change in state law. Bradenton’s First Baptist Church of the…

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Area Father Wonders Which Child Will Be Biggest Disappointment at Christmas this Year

Sarasota dad, Lawrence Fizburn is expecting all four sons to come for Christmas this year. As tradition goes, he’s curious which child of his will be the biggest disappointment this year. “In 2013 it was Jerry, he got black out drunk on pineapple moonshine and tried to convince his mother that being a high functioning alcoholic is actually better for a family than being sober. His arguments may have been good but he was slurring so bad we could only make out a couple words,” Lawrence explained. “He doesn’t have…

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