New Daiquiri Deck To Open On Stilts Just Off Siesta Beach

Just a day after opening their Stickney Point location over the south Siesta bridge, Daiquiri Deck owners announce a new location to be built right off shore. “We opened our newest location three stories high to give diners a better view of the key’s beaches.  Now we want to open one on the water to give a view of the key itself!” the owners excitedly told us. To get to the bar and dining room patrons will need to swim 30 yards out into the gulf and climb a ladder.…

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Downtown SRQ Mercury Dealer to Offer Economy Stimulating BOGO

To do his part in boosting the economy, area Merc’ dealer Johannes Al-Jaqueson is going to offer a two week special “Buy-One-Get-One.”  As purveyor of three Ford/Lincoln/Mercury dealerships only his downtown location will be pushing the promotion. At press time he was quoted, “I like to put myself in the mind of the average consumer. Then I ask myself, if I had money what would I do? I always come to the same conclusion: Go downtown and buy a Mercury or two.” He continued explaining this just isn’t possible.  Buying…

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Sarasota Residents Troubled By Controversial Names of New Keys

In what was expected to be a highly praised and well received announcement, the new Pecker Key and Flat Sid Key names have caused turmoil.  Residents say the names can be interpreted as genital related.  Though named after two of the more interesting and exotic creatures found in the ecosystem of the area, the choices can be read the wrong way. The Short Nubbed Wood Pecker is a truly magnificent sight.  They may be beautiful, but they are dangerous to approach and residents have been warned not to play with…

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Sarasota To Install Two New Keys As Siesta & Lido Tourism Growth Rises

An unprecedented growth in tourism to the beautiful Sarasota keys has caused major concern.  A spike of 132% increase this year alone has caused officials to meet with contractors Helm & Toter.  H & T are known for island creation services.  The process involves draining sand from 3rd world countries at pennies on the square mile. The new keys are named after local, exotic animals found on the current keys.  The Flat Sid Toe Gerbler is a crab species native to Siesta and Lido as well as the Short Nubbed Wood…

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Sarasota Ranked #1 In Amateur Weather Photographer Population

Forbes released it’s annual list of towns with the highest populations of people who think they can take photographs really good. Followed closely by Bradenton (#2) and Portland, Oregon (#3), Sarasota came out ahead in the number one spot with a margin of 11.5%. We caught up with some of the local weather aficionados at sunset on Siesta Key.  James Borgles tells us, “We live in paradise.  I photograph every single sunset and share on my seven primary social media outlets and four of my secondary social sites.  Sometimes I’ll get…

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Sarasota Residents More Prepared For Nothing Than Ever

As Hurricane Matthew approaches the East Coast, those in the safe zone couldn’t be more prepared for absolutely nothing. Local jive-turkey Jamie Cortez was seen drinking Miller Highlife and nailing particle board over his windows this evening.  He also managed to stock up on water, gas in the truck and plenty of pre-boiled chicken breasts. “If you watch the radar closely you can see little twitches in the path.  It’s like a penny on train tracks, all it takes is a little nudge and that thing’s gonna ram into us like tourists…

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Area Homeless “Holding Out For Management Position”

As the homeless situation ceases to slow down in Sarasota our investigative reporters hit the streets to uncover what factors could be leading this epidemic. Trudging along Cocoanut Ave. we encountered many street people who were more than willing to chat with us.  Bob Froders, 47, told us the cost of living in Sarasota is far beyond reasonable.  Just grabbing a job at McDonald’s or Wal-Mart would lead to more trouble than it’s worth. “I can sit out here, panhandle and steal shit and make around $25k/year and not even…

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Apparition Formerly Known As Prince Has Eyes On Siesta Key Property

Celebrities sure seem to love the Sarasota coast.  From Stephen King & Jerry Springer taking up permanent residence to vacation home flockers such as Mila Kunis and Drew Barrymore, the A-list is often present in our slice of paradise. The rumors always float around when someone picks up the news a new celebrity may be moving to town.  But, we have from solid sources that the spiritual presence of the artist formerly-alive known as Prince has signed a contract pending property inspection on the southern end of Siesta Key.  The…

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Sarasota Officials Install Laser Beam System to Control Traffic on Tamiami Trail

The new traffic control system from ARLAZ Enterprises has been contracted by SRQ officials to help handle the out of control traffic situation on Highway 41 from North Venice to Bradenton. The towers installed near busy intersections detect drivers who are actively using a handheld, mobile device while driving as well as slow drivers. “It’s illegal to drive more than 15 mph under the speed limit and these drivers are causing massive delays in residents getting anywhere.” Explains traffic patrol officer Gruntz. The lasers are designed to cause minimal damage…

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Local Celebrity Encounter “Bragger” Claims to Have Done “Hand Stuff” With Pee-wee Herman

With tales ranging from fixing Brian Johnson’s flat tire to eating LSD and skinny dipping with 1-800-Ask-Gary’s kids, area claimster Frish Sparrow (26) brought out a new one at a social gathering Sunday night. “I saw him, it was Pee-wee.  I wasn’t going to bug him but he approached me.” Sparrow continues the story reveling in details of “hand stuff” Herman requested which he begrudgingly performed.  “I knew it would be a good story, so I slapped his pecker around for a little bit.” At press time Sparrow tells us he…

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