God Still Trying To Forget Time Spent Designing Human Digestive System

His Holy Eminence is constantly haunted of the days he spent designing the digestive tract and butthole during the creation of humans. “I must design them in my image, that was the goal, but I don’t have an asshole.  I don’t shit.  I don’t get hemorrhoids.  Those days were very stressful and mentally draining.” The Lord God our Creator shares with the media. As the holidays roll through His Greatness feels far too many people stressing on the toilet.  He hears the grunts, the strain, the prayers “please god make…

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Apple Releases Top Five Request Made to Siri Nationwide

By request of the California Research Commission, Apple has complied and turned over the top Siri requests to a publicy funded research group. Thanks to public records our journalists were able to get a copy. Below are the top 5 requests people have made to Siri using their Apple mobile products ranging from iPhone to iPad. 5. (782,003 times in 2014) – “Siri, why is she such a bitch?” 4. (812,894 times in 2014) – “Siri, why does Obama hate me?” 3. (3,896,120 times in 2014) – “Siri, is two…

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BREAKING: Area Earbuds Found Not Tangled After Left Alone For Extended Period

Scientists are baffled. A first for our nation (has been experienced in Tanzania). Apair of earbuds, these of the Apple variety, were found completely untangled after left sitting out for nearly a month. According to physicists at Berkley the probability is one in 500 million. At this time the earbuds are kept under close watch in a vacuum at 0 degrees F. Results so far have shown no sign of intanglement.

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New App Tells You If You Are Dead Or Not

It’s a simple concept but no one has been able to pull it off … until now. HuB Studios of Sarasota has teamed up with religious communities from around the world to generate an algorithm so complex it can tell the user if he or she is still alive. “It wasn’t easy but when it finally clicked for our programmers it just made sense. Basically if you can open the app, you are alive. Like we said, simple answer, but finding that answer… that was the real challenge,” a spokesperson…

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475 Year Long Study Reveals 68% of Religions Are Fake

Belgian scientist, Jargo Jingleheims, spent the last few centuries dedicated to a research project that has finally been published as of today.  According to the double-blind placebo trials, decades of artifact findings, the many sit-downs with God and Vishnu and 1000’s of experiments, nearly 70% of the world’s religions are fake. “It’s not easy learning your life’s core belief system is just made up.  We released the results today and now we sit and watch the responses.  I have a feeling a lot of people will just continue on blindly following…

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Obama Gives 2 Trillion Dollars to Special Team of Scientists Creating Inventions from Movies

Obama has once again stepped up to the plate nearing the end of his term as POTUS.  He’s been tackling some huge items on the liberal agenda from immigration to free college.  Now he grants just over two TRILLION dollars to a science consortium focused on bringing our fictional movie inventions to life. “We are honored to have been selected for this grant.  We want to bring the items we’ve all seen and wanted to the real world.  They tend to solve practical issues we face day in and day…

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Studies Show God Gave Up on Earth, Started New Planet 1900 Years Ago

Researchers in Helsinki have found a planet off the cusp of galaxy 9658-b1 that they have named Orca 510c.  According to their calculations it was brought into existence nearly 1900 years ago (Earth time).  This planet is millions of years younger than any other planet known to exist.  Baffling the scientists they turned to God. Apparently God said he gave up on this creation nearly two millennial ago.  “Humans turned into a bunch of losers way quicker than I would’ve ever imagined.  Look at Sodom and Gomorrah, that place was…

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Local Internet “Scientist” Proves Global Science Community Wrong

(BRANDON) Long time resident Jonah Branson (34) , G.E.D., A.A., who lives with his parents has unearthed an amazing string of revelations proving many well established “facts” in the science world wrong. Through blogs such as conspirinature.com, thegovlies.com and scienceisfullofshit.org, Branson has managed to find and share the truth behind scientific studies on items such as artificial sweetener, cracking knuckles, electronic cigarettes and juicing. “I did two years at ITT and got my A.A. in Computer Telesupport. It’s a science degree,” Branson tells us. With his elite training he has…

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STUDY: Research shows 4 in 5 Americans Suffer from Diarrhea, 1 in 5 Enjoy It

Researchers have found that all Americans regularly have the runs thanks to the changes in food and diet over the past ten years.  The conclusion shows it’s not exactly unhealthy to have the squirts, but most people do not enjoy it. Study subjects showed very similar descriptions when filling out the scientific surveys.  80% of Americans used terms such as “burning, itchy, raw, cramps” and “sloppy” to explain how they suffered from the gastro-intestinal mishap.  But what researchers found to be incredible and a bit shocking, the other 20% didn’t…

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New Research Shows 80% of Happy Marriages Result of Faking It and Side Pussy

In an amazing, five year study funded by the American Household Institute, scientists have provided results that indicate happy marriages have two things in common: Pretending to be happy with the status quot and the husband getting some strange on the regular.  The statistics show the standard side pussy is between the ages of 27 and 35 though there were variances and anomalies showing some side pussy as old as 72. The benchmark set to describe a “happy marriage” includes a lack of depression, a threshold minimum of $80,000/year household…

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