Downtown SRQ Mercury Dealer to Offer Economy Stimulating BOGO

To do his part in boosting the economy, area Merc’ dealer Johannes Al-Jaqueson is going to offer a two week special “Buy-One-Get-One.”  As purveyor of three Ford/Lincoln/Mercury dealerships only his downtown location will be pushing the promotion. At press time he was quoted, “I like to put myself in the mind of the average consumer. Then I ask myself, if I had money what would I do? I always come to the same conclusion: Go downtown and buy a Mercury or two.” He continued explaining this just isn’t possible.  Buying…

Read More

Sarasota Residents More Prepared For Nothing Than Ever

As Hurricane Matthew approaches the East Coast, those in the safe zone couldn’t be more prepared for absolutely nothing. Local jive-turkey Jamie Cortez was seen drinking Miller Highlife and nailing particle board over his windows this evening.  He also managed to stock up on water, gas in the truck and plenty of pre-boiled chicken breasts. “If you watch the radar closely you can see little twitches in the path.  It’s like a penny on train tracks, all it takes is a little nudge and that thing’s gonna ram into us like tourists…

Read More

Here Comes Another Fucking Craft Beer Bar to Sarasota

Howard’s Hoptactular Hangout (“Tripel H”) is scheduled to open on Clark Rd, July 1st, 2016. Sarasotians need for overpriced malt beverages just cannot be satisfied. As all the others, Tripel H has its own schtick it will be bringing to the table. “We add fresh hops right to your beer glass, an entire handful per pour!” Owner Howie McGavin tells us. “If you aren’t scraping your tongue off with sandpaper, which we provide at every table, then we give you your money back!” Tripel H joins the ranking as the…

Read More

In Review: One Year Later University Town Center Has Proven Its Worth As a Stockade For the Fucking Dregs of Society

There was a lot of speculation making the rounds as the new mall was being built.  Will it serve a purpose? Will the goals be met? Am I gonna have to wait a fucking hour just to get on I-75 after work? Our review shows it has grown to be the #1 location for the societal classes that have no clue what to do with their lives beyond spending their parent’s and/or husband’s money and roaming around in circles: Soccer moms, youthful degenerates, Jersey Shore refugees and divorcees.  All these…

Read More

Gulf Gate Publix Becomes Newest Breeding Ground For The Living Dead

Early Sunday morning investigators discovered the latest breeding ground for Sarasota’s living dead. The Publix located at the corner of 41 and Clark was swamped with slow walking, apparently dead humans. The troup was mostly walking into the Publix with a small portion apparently confused on what exactly they were doing which led to them standing still in the middle of the traffic lanes. Shockingly, we learned there were a few of these beings driving cars. Where they came from or why they chose Sarasota and this particular Publix is…

Read More

Local Patriot Has Entire 10 Year Catalog of Funny Eagle Wrapping Paper

“I’ve been collecting since it came out in 1994,” Frank Abado (53) tells us. “Something just struck me about it when I saw it in the bargain bin at K-Mart.  I chuckled and I love America, it just made sense to get it.  When I went back the next year, they had two kinds of funny eagle wrapping paper.” Frank doesn’t even take them out of the shrink wrap.  He’s confident the full collection in perfect condition will be a valuable inheritance for his children.  “Yea, sure, I could leave…

Read More

Ferguson Police Turn to Flipping Cars & Residential Robberies

In an effort to strike back at the violent protesters, Chief Viggens of the Ferguson Police Department says they are ready to fight “fire with fire.” “They keep flipping our police cars and it’s really irritating,” Viggens tells us. “So, fuck them, arresting isn’t doing anything. We just gonna flip some cars!” By mid Tuesday morning officers had flipped a total of 12 vehicles including a red rider tricycle. “Take that you little shit bags,” proclaimed Office Gunts as he tossed the three wheeled, 25lb aluminum frame on its side.…

Read More

Local Racist Boycotts Black Friday

Sarasota bigot and compulsive hoarder Carl Lipps (53) is sick and tired of the Black Friday craze. Being a couponer, he’s always looking out for the best deals in retail. “I got the 43″ TV over there for $105 thanks to some loop holes I found in a couple Wal-Mart coupons.” Carl’s house is packed full of trash, empty boxes and unopened items purchases when the deals were “too good to pass up.” From a pile of three microwave ovens still in the box to a giant children’s swing set…

Read More

Local Woman Hints Christmas List to Husband

Area alcoholic soccer-mom and loving wife, Janice Liebers, has been making subtle hints to her husband about what she would like for Christmas. “I’m just trying to get the hint out there, hehe, couple of things I’ve been wanting. Can’t wait to be surprised!” Janice left her husband Jerry a sweet note early Monday morning. It was a print out featuring a 2015 Tahoe circled in hand-drawn hearts. At the bottom it reads: “I’ll fucking leave you if this isn’t in the drive-way Christmas morning.” Jerry, a successful banker in…

Read More