Navigating Parking Lot of Chipotle Across From SMH During Lunch to Become Olympic Sport

The Olympic Global Committee unanimously agreed on Tuesday to allow navigating the parking lot of Chipotle on US41 during snow bird season at lunch time to be an official category in the PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics.  Entrants will be flown from South Korea for three days to participate. This is a landmark in the Olympics as it will be the first automobile based sport since the 1900 Olympics when it was technically unofficial but still considered.  The commmittee explains the maneuvering and coordination needed in hand, feet, eyes and brain allows…

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Post Orioles Spring Training Ed Smith Stadium To Be Used As Battle Arena For SRQ Homeless

In a brainstorming session held by SRQ government officials, four dozen residents showed up to pitch ideas about what to do with Ed Smith when the Orioles leave. After hours of debate and narrowing top choices the group settled on converting the stadium into a gladiator-esque battle arena. “This will help thin out our homeless issue and provide quality entertainment for the good citizens of Manasota. It will also create jobs. Every one wants more jobs.” Look for the opening matches between Sarasota’s finest homeless and a pack of wild…

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Jameis Winston Intentionally Loses Rose Bowl to Avoid Being Drafted by Buccaneers

Florida State Seminole fans were in shock as they watched their star quarterback flail, flounder and fumble away a chance at the FBS National Championship Thursday night. Even more shocking are the reports that he intentionally threw the game. It was not a nefarious point-shaving plot. It was, in fact, a calculated career move. According to an anonymous source out of Tallahassee, Winston was witnessed “Wringing his hands and muttering to himself, ‘Tennessee Titans, here I come.’ ” The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have secured the first pick in the 2015…

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Sarasota Government Officials Re-thinking Snow Bird Open Season Hunting Licenses

After dozens of reports concerning the snow bird population being seen randomly strolling the beaches of Lido Key and Siesta Key at odd hours of the morning, local officials have put hunting licenses back on the table. “The population is getting out of control during the migration months. We fear environmental impact based on research from the University of South Florida which shows very strong results favoring a potential imbalance if the growth continues,” says Commissioner Blankie. The current bill proposes a tag lottery system where 1500 tags will be…

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Bucs Fans Calling it a Season

It was a bad enough start with the awful uniform change. now through week 8 of the season Bucs fans everywhere are wrapping it up and anticipating the draft. Citing their woeful 1-6 start local fan Willis Stanton was quoted as saying “I just can’t take the agony anymore, I ‘m ready to start mowing the lawn and getting baked out of my mind on Sundays again.” This piss poor performance is just one of many adding up quick for frustrated Bucs fans.

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