Sarasota Officials Install Laser Beam System to Control Traffic on Tamiami Trail

The new traffic control system from ARLAZ Enterprises has been contracted by SRQ officials to help handle the out of control traffic situation on Highway 41 from North Venice to Bradenton. The towers installed near busy intersections detect drivers who are actively using a handheld, mobile device while driving as well as slow drivers. “It’s illegal to drive more than 15 mph under the speed limit and these drivers are causing massive delays in residents getting anywhere.” Explains traffic patrol officer Gruntz. The lasers are designed to cause minimal damage…

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Sarasota Tech Company Plans Next Six Failures

Local start-up Hawtappz successfully launched their 18th failure on October 10th and is claiming they have their next six already planned and in development. “Staying ahead of the curve is vital in such a stop and go industry,” we were told by Founder and CEO Johnny Schmitz. “We like to know our doomed apps are completely thought out from the beginning to end of user experience before we start typing any code at all.  This is a challenge as we only have so much time before someone else comes up…

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“Seconds Since Last Accident” Billboard Removed After Causing More Wrecks than Preventing

In an array of confusion, the local government officials have decided to remove the billboard as it did the exact opposite as intended. Not being the first time a rash decision made by this troop backfired, we at SRQNews.com are not completely surprised. The approval of the billboard came immediately after a councilman’s 8 year old son said it would be a good idea. Now, the mistake has been brought to realization. Fortunately only 23 lives were lost and it has been removed before reaching the dreaded two-dozen dead.

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Apple Releases Top Five Request Made to Siri Nationwide

By request of the California Research Commission, Apple has complied and turned over the top Siri requests to a publicy funded research group. Thanks to public records our journalists were able to get a copy. Below are the top 5 requests people have made to Siri using their Apple mobile products ranging from iPhone to iPad. 5. (782,003 times in 2014) – “Siri, why is she such a bitch?” 4. (812,894 times in 2014) – “Siri, why does Obama hate me?” 3. (3,896,120 times in 2014) – “Siri, is two…

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BREAKING: Area Earbuds Found Not Tangled After Left Alone For Extended Period

Scientists are baffled. A first for our nation (has been experienced in Tanzania). Apair of earbuds, these of the Apple variety, were found completely untangled after left sitting out for nearly a month. According to physicists at Berkley the probability is one in 500 million. At this time the earbuds are kept under close watch in a vacuum at 0 degrees F. Results so far have shown no sign of intanglement.

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New App Tells You If You Are Dead Or Not

It’s a simple concept but no one has been able to pull it off … until now. HuB Studios of Sarasota has teamed up with religious communities from around the world to generate an algorithm so complex it can tell the user if he or she is still alive. “It wasn’t easy but when it finally clicked for our programmers it just made sense. Basically if you can open the app, you are alive. Like we said, simple answer, but finding that answer… that was the real challenge,” a spokesperson…

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Local Neckbeard Claims Parents Are Living with Him

John Stokavich (28, virgin) lives in the garage apartment at 2891 Leaf Garden Lane in Nokomis as do his parents, John Sr. and Melinda Stokavich.  John works as a guild leader and Necromancer in the online game World of Warcrat full time.  “You say full time, but I put in a good 110 hours a week keeping things in check and leading raids.  It’s not easy and can be very stressful, but I’m building a quality resume.  I don’t get paid yet but this will get me in line for…

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Area Man Realizes Most Morning FB Posts are GIddy and Insincere After Coffee Wears Off

ELLENTON, FL – Local Resident PJ Heimerdinger has what you may call a nasty habit, every weekday morning at 8am he chugs 5 cups of extra strong black coffee and hits the Facebook. “I need that boost in the mornings, its not as bad as it seems, my tolerance is 3 cups, so I need that much just to get back to normal” In and of itself this does not seem like a huge issue.. Studies show 4 in 20 Americans struggle with caffeine abuse, but what ensues on the…

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Local Freelance Social Media Consultant & Strategic Development Implementer Getting Gigs Thanks to Super Long Title

Cody “The Synergizer” McNabb is doing pretty awesome for a freelancer in the new media industry.  He tells us he’s on the brink of making six digits for 2014.  His secret? “It’s all in the title, baby.” He explains to SRQNews, “Look, nobody understands Facebook and Pinterest and how to use them for marketing and building business and brand awareness.  It’s a game, you have to find the synergy between your product or service and the digital outlets you choose to cater.  There must be demographic targeting strategies, market research,…

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