Sarasota Officials Install Laser Beam System to Control Traffic on Tamiami Trail

The new traffic control system from ARLAZ Enterprises has been contracted by SRQ officials to help handle the out of control traffic situation on Highway 41 from North Venice to Bradenton. The towers installed near busy intersections detect drivers who are actively using a handheld, mobile device while driving as well as slow drivers. “It’s illegal to drive more than 15 mph under the speed limit and these drivers are causing massive delays in residents getting anywhere.” Explains traffic patrol officer Gruntz. The lasers are designed to cause minimal damage…

Read More

Here Comes Another Fucking Craft Beer Bar to Sarasota

Howard’s Hoptactular Hangout (“Tripel H”) is scheduled to open on Clark Rd, July 1st, 2016. Sarasotians need for overpriced malt beverages just cannot be satisfied. As all the others, Tripel H has its own schtick it will be bringing to the table. “We add fresh hops right to your beer glass, an entire handful per pour!” Owner Howie McGavin tells us. “If you aren’t scraping your tongue off with sandpaper, which we provide at every table, then we give you your money back!” Tripel H joins the ranking as the…

Read More

Angered Mutant Ninja Turtles Lash Out Over Bee Ridge Construction

Raphael, the leader of the pack, approached SRQNews.com with a fierce dialogue on the current Bee Ridge Road Construction. He tells us: “How is a mutant turtle supposed to fight crime when the sewer system is being completely destroyed. Yea, sure, two years from now every thing is gonna be peachy-keen but what the FUCK are we supposed to do now? Fight in the daylight? Take SCAT around town to fight the foot clan?” Sarasota officials say the construction was necessary as aging sewer systems were deteriorating and septic systems…

Read More

“Seconds Since Last Accident” Billboard Removed After Causing More Wrecks than Preventing

In an array of confusion, the local government officials have decided to remove the billboard as it did the exact opposite as intended. Not being the first time a rash decision made by this troop backfired, we at SRQNews.com are not completely surprised. The approval of the billboard came immediately after a councilman’s 8 year old son said it would be a good idea. Now, the mistake has been brought to realization. Fortunately only 23 lives were lost and it has been removed before reaching the dreaded two-dozen dead.

Read More

SRQ Officials Install ‘Seconds Since Last Accident’ Billboard on I-75 to Promote Safer Driving

In order to ease traffic and promote more alert driving on the Manasota stretch of I-75, officials have installed a billboard displaying the amount of seconds passed since the last accident. Council Chairman James Vanderbanks tells us, “We had to do something. The accidents have been getting out of hand and this is one of many efforts we will be making to clear that up.” Apparently the record since installing the new billboard has been 380 seconds which is an improvement over the previous three month numbers. At press time…

Read More