Sarasota Man Forced To Eat Spilled Canned Tuna Off Ground After Hurricane Irma

In a sad state of affairs, area man Jason Clingsworth forked his tuna a little too angrily while scooping from the can.  As half the chunks of white albacore fluttered to the ground he growled a solemn “fuck” under his breath. Being hard times and having spent his monthly grocery budget on bottled water and Fresca, Jason was forced to pick individual chunks off the kitchen floor.  The flaky bits crumbled as his thumb and forefinger ever so slightly clamped together. At press time a single tear rolled down his…

Read More

Sarasota Ranked #1 In Amateur Weather Photographer Population

Forbes released it’s annual list of towns with the highest populations of people who think they can take photographs really good. Followed closely by Bradenton (#2) and Portland, Oregon (#3), Sarasota came out ahead in the number one spot with a margin of 11.5%. We caught up with some of the local weather aficionados at sunset on Siesta Key.  James Borgles tells us, “We live in paradise.  I photograph every single sunset and share on my seven primary social media outlets and four of my secondary social sites.  Sometimes I’ll get…

Read More

Sarasota Residents More Prepared For Nothing Than Ever

As Hurricane Matthew approaches the East Coast, those in the safe zone couldn’t be more prepared for absolutely nothing. Local jive-turkey Jamie Cortez was seen drinking Miller Highlife and nailing particle board over his windows this evening.  He also managed to stock up on water, gas in the truck and plenty of pre-boiled chicken breasts. “If you watch the radar closely you can see little twitches in the path.  It’s like a penny on train tracks, all it takes is a little nudge and that thing’s gonna ram into us like tourists…

Read More

U.S. 41 Prostitution Business Declining Thanks to Colder Weather

Sarasota pimp Jimmy Steele says his business is suffering. “I just can’t stand it. It’s like a cruel joke. All the snow birds come down, which should mean a spike in business, but these under 60 degree days are just killing our revenue stream.” Local whore Janny Kilburg stands on the corner of Myrtle and Tamiami wearing jeans and a turtle neck. “There’s nothing I can do, I have to dress like this or I’ll freeze and no one finds freezing sexy.” She said the BJ’s are still coming in…

Read More

BREAKING NEWS: NASA Reports Comet Lands on Planet for Second Time this Year

Reports are spreading around the globe as NASA officially announces an eight inch comet has blasted through the atmosphere and safely landed on planet earth. According to scientists, this is an amazing feat. “Earth averages one comet impact per 1.3 years, we have broken the average by quite a large margin!” More coverage as details are released.

Read More