Area Man Promises Self to Get His Shit Together by 35

John Frangrese (32) invites us over for an intimate interview to discuss what lies ahead in the life of this early 30’s loser. It’s not uncommon to find late-twenties “Johns” in and around college towns. They tend to spend a year or two in an entry level corporate position after graduating from five or six years of college with a Marketing degree. As research has shown, they end up getting fired or quitting to “start my own business!” But what really happens is they find a server or delivery job to pay the rent and blow the rest on vodka and cocaine.

“It’s fun,” John tells us. “I. Love. Blow. I’m the kind of guy that just likes to have a good time, ya know? And blow helps other people be like me. I do it with them, of course, so they don’t feel like I’m superior. But that’s just the kind of guy I am.”

John’s 12’x5′ foot bedroom provides all he needs at $280 per month. He sits on his bed mixing a vodka, diet-root beer explaining “I can drink all I want of these and not gain any weight at all.”

John reveals to us the true reason he asked us to come over, “Look, I know you can’t sustain this life forever, but I’ve done better than most of my friends. I’ve made it to 32, most of them dropped out at 27 or 28. I told them, I’ll get my shit together by 35 and that’s a guarantee.”

John’s old friends hang out with him once per month at best when he can afford to go to a real establishment and have a beer. At press time we were told most friends were taking the over and going with a suicide parlay bet to triple their winnings.

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