Michael Jones Jr. (7) has not been on his best behavior this year. Being in second grade he’s found himself seeking more independence since he is now a big boy. The final straw for Jones senior came when little Mikey decided his father’s cigar collection would look better covered in kool aid. Jones senior screeched in horror upon discovery and informed junior that “Christmas is canceled this year!” Senior began a rampage first throwing the entire Christmas tree onto the street still covered in lights and decorations while screaming “Santa’s fucking dead!.”
Americans across all 50 states are in shock and distress. The White House has announced they are doing every thing they can to get Christmas back on the calendar.