Local Man’s Eighth Facebook Suicide Status Not Getting as Many Comments as He Hoped

Venice man and Philosophy major James Cumberloo (24) doesn’t quite get why his cry for help isn’t getting the attention he was expecting. As he typed out his status late Tuesday night, he believed he would create some interaction among those who care about him. The plan was to make up for the lack of attention he received over the weekend.

“I understand the weekend was a holiday, but I specifically didn’t dress up and moped around the parties in order to garner attention. I guess all the costumed people are just too much to compete with.”

Cumberloo continued to stare off into space with a ponderous look in his eye, “but I just do not, and I mean at all, understand why this post isn’t getting the comments I wanted. I posted at 9:30[pm], my research has shown this is the best time to post if you want people to think you are real and feel bad for you. It’s an emotional grey area between finishing the day, coming down from the action and finding rest through evening stimulation be it TV, a book or what’s common now: Burying your face in your phone on the couch with a tall glass of gin.”

As of 2:45am, when we were able to catch up with Cumberloo, the post had 2 likes and 3 comments. At over five hours old this can be chalked up to being a failure. The likes were from his grandmother and some kid he knew when he was 8 before moving away from South Carolina.

The three comments are as follows:

[brother-in-law] 9:52pm – “??”

[girl he liked that friend-zoned him earlier this year] 10:58pm – “Keep your chin up :)”

[dude he doesn’t really know] 1:15am – “How many times you gonna kill yourself before you kill yourself?”

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