Opinion: 11 Holiday Tips to Get You Laid (For Men)

  1. Stop being a pussy
    Seriously, this is the #1 reason you are not getting laid.  Put on your confidence pants and talk to women.  Did you know that human males release a pheromone that naturally wets panties? It comes from a gland that is activated by self-respect.  Man up.
  2. Don’t eat so much fucking food
    Jesus, you’ve put on 10lbs in November alone.  You look disgusting in clothes and we can’t even imagine what the full nude nightmare must be.  Don’t fucking eat so much, cocaine is an excellent way to curb the appetite.
  3. Homemade eggnog
    All the ladies love it.  Careful not to screw up #2, ladies can’t help but swoon at the superior flavor from fresh made eggnog vs. the store bought shit. Just saying have it on hand or carry around a bottle in a fanny pack which brings us to #4.
  4. Fanny packs
    Hipsters started a fad and it worked, they dressed like 90’s losers blended with 1920’s cocktailers.  It worked, but it was such an abomination that it soon faded into loser territory.  Do you know the difference in a trend and a fad? Fads fade, trends last a lifetime.  Fanny Packs.
  5. Mistletoe
    Cliche, we know, but bitches love it.  Keep some in your fanny pack and bust out when the time is right.  Remember #1, confidence is key to proper mistletoe usage.
  6. Kill yourself
    Seriously, not completely, but almost kill yourself.  Close calls get girlies all sympathetic.  Sympathy pussy’s better than no pussy.
  7. Write a Christmas Song
    Write a song about Christmas, make it sweet and slow, rock it on youtube… profit.
  8. Wear Pastels
    This one is key to success.  It’s vital to show holiday spirit but don’t pull a Bill Cosby and wear bright or over-zealous Christmas clothes.  Also don’t be a rapist.  Women love a good sense of fashion, show your colors, but tone it down a notch.
  9. Accidental Condom Exposure
    This one is straight forward, during a #1 (confidence, not taking a piss) accidentally drop a condom out of your wallet.  Pretend you are getting your business card or some shit.  This allows the female to realize you get laid on the reg.  Nothing gets a girl horny like knowing other girls are getting a piece of that D.
  10. Join a Yoga Class
    You know, shows sentimental side and all of that.  Bonus: Yoga pants.
  11. Last Call Hogs
    Some times  you just have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to get your nut on.  But hey, a nut’s a nut.  Go to the dirtiest dive bar, throw on your best pair of beer goggles (we recommend whiskey goggles), take home that last call hog waiting at the end of the bar at 2:30am
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