First Baptist of Osprey pastor James von Dechtenstein has rounded up the troops. In a secret meeting that included 20 Southern Baptist preachers from around the state of Florida, a new campaign to “scare the hell” out of people and bring them to Jesus Christ of Nazareth’s salvation is underway. The campaign will focus on interstate billboards as the primary media. Use of new technology allowing flaming explosions and powerful lasers will be central to the project.
“People just don’t want to love on Jesus anymore. I’ve been preaching just let your Jesus love you for 35 years. The decline in soul conversions is devastating,” Pastor Dechtenstein tells us. “Well, it’s time to let people see God’s wrath in all its glory. We are blowing him up with a bang, I tell ya!”
James showed us some concept art and even drove us to the pilot billboard 20 miles south of Osprey on I-75. “Ain’t she a beaut’!” he proclaims as we watch the flamethrowers shoot God’s glory 25 feet into the air.