County officials are recommending residents do not leave their house while the outbreak is not contained. Containment efforts are currently in full operation. The National Guard has been called in and they are finding World War II military flame throwers to be the best tool for flushing them out.
The first report came in late last night. A middle aged man was spotted in the parking lot of Evie’s on Bee Ridge. He was apparently juggling four grapefruits in nothing but a bathrobe while laughing manically.
By 11:00 a.m. there have been over 32 reports of various parking lot jugglers across town. Area e-cig store manager, David Spicolcelli went to Facebook to let out his anger: “Seriously, fucking jugglers in the parking lot now? Go the fuck home, the Big E’s parking lot is not a hang out spot, it’s a parking lot. You should go juggle your way to a job.”
The source of the outbreak is not yet confirmed but fingers are pointing to a potential radioactive leak from the Ringling campus or just plain old fashioned terrorism.