Some Old Guy Giving Speech Blocks Entry to New Mall, Residents Angry

“We just want to get in and start wasting our money!” local Sarasota man tells us, “but this old dude won’t stop talking and he’s blocking the entrance.”

Area residents are gathering their pitchforks as they grow angrier by the minute at the grand opening of the new University Town Center mall. An older gentleman wearing a black suit and sunglasses managed to drag a podium to the main entry way of the mall this morning. Apparently he believe his microphone is turned on but all the crowd can hear is the sound of their own heavy mouth breathing.

The dramatically obese audience is beginning to grow restless. Many are sick of playing with their phone while waiting for him to move. One crowd member that surprisingly has a pinch of humanity called 911 in hopes of having the police remove the man before he is trampled to death.

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