Sarasota Officials Install Laser Beam System to Control Traffic on Tamiami Trail

The new traffic control system from ARLAZ Enterprises has been contracted by SRQ officials to help handle the out of control traffic situation on Highway 41 from North Venice to Bradenton. The towers installed near busy intersections detect drivers who are actively using a handheld, mobile device while driving as well as slow drivers. “It’s illegal to drive more than 15 mph under the speed limit and these drivers are causing massive delays in residents getting anywhere.” Explains traffic patrol officer Gruntz. The lasers are designed to cause minimal damage…

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Sarasota Memorial EBOLA Patient Actually Just Has Small Case of AIDS

Sarasota and the surrounding area has been on high alert as a patient showing symptoms of EBOLA was being treated at Sarasota Memorial.  Today the patient was removed from high security and placed into a common hospital room where the food is inedible and the nurses often forget about patients. “Turns out he just has a little AIDS” an ICU nurse informed us.  “We were ready for anything, but glad it’s just this.” Now that the threat has calmed down he shall receive the same patient care as every one else and be released…

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Manatee Population Vote to Leave SRQ Over Homeless Situation Downtown

We caught up with the Manatee policy makers early Sunday morning.  After a vote of 8 to 1 it’s clear the Sarasota shores will soon be losing their Manatee population. “We just can’t handle the bums anymore.  No, we don’t go downtown, but the situation has reached a point where trickle down effects are causing issues.” said Big Daddy D., one of the elders of SRQ’s Manatees.  “I’ve been here nearly 40 years and the homeless numbers have jumped dramatically over the past few.  And with that comes crime rates…

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Ringling Student with Crippling Social Anxiety Wonders if Girl is Mad at Him for Accidentally Brushing Against Her at Growlers Pub

Virgin Jason Schmoner, a graphic design major at Ringling College, spent his Saturday night at Growler’s Pub on Tamiami Trail watching local bands perform.  As a long time sufferer of social anxiety, Schmoner has been trying to “get out more” as his mother says he needs to do. “I’d really like to hold a girl’s hand someday.  I’m in college now so I think I should really make it a priority.” By just putting himself out there more he believe he can accomplish his goal.  But after a detrimental experience…

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Sarasota Man Constantly Losing E-Cigarette in Couch Cushion Looking for Permanent Solution

Daniel Colburns, a Sarasota native, recently switched from smoking Camel Filters to an electronic cigarette.  The controversial electronic cigarette has grown a rapid user base within the recent years. “The damn thing is always getting lost.  I’ll tear the couch apart and still not find it!  It takes three or four looks in the couch before I can finally find it wedged.  It’s really getting frustrating.” When prompted about intended solutions, Daniel said every thing he has considered is temporary and he needs a permanent solution to the issue. “I…

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Local Father Wishes Dog Would Stop Shitting on Rug in Hallway

Kevin Sconer, father of 3, has grown irate with his pet dachsund’s shitting habits. The dachsund, “Jojo” has been living with the Sarasota resident and his family for four years now.  According to Kevin’s wife, Brenda, “Jojo is part of the family, after four years you just can’t dump a dog over it’s shitting habits.”  Kevin disagrees but has not reached the point of killing the dog and risking losing his wife and assets. Other’s say he appears to have reach that point, though.  While interviewing neighbors which Kevin has…

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Man Debates Whether Seducing His Cousin Would Be Considered Incest

Englewood resident, Rick Borgeler, has been contemplating the attraction he has for his 2nd cousin, Dorcey Borgeler, for a few weeks now.  In a statement to SRQNews.com, Rick made it clear he felt a “tingling sensation” when around her.  Due to social acceptability rules, he’s unsure if 2nd cousin is far enough away on the family tree to pursue the situation. As it stands he plans to approach family to consult the matter.  Apparently he has not brought up the issues, as of yet.  He has agreed to update SRQNews.com…

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